I woke up from a dream crying and have not been able to stop. The dream itself is not what made me upset it was the feelings from the dream thatprovoked tears. Almost three years ago I left an abusive relationship with my daughters father. Never in a million years did I ever think that something like that would ever happen to me. He was diagnosed with a mental illness and I believe he used it to keep control of me. He would say things like "I'm sick and you don't love me because of it" or "If you get mad at me its mental abuse because you know I'm sick."When we found out I used his illness as an explanation for why he was doing the things that he was. He signed us up for therapy and then in our sessions would make me feel like I wasn't being supportive of him. I was scared to bring up the abuse. I was also bombarded with visuals from Nami, which really made me feel like it was something I was doings wrong. I started to see that wasn't the case at all. I was the one who made sure he took his medication and went to appointments. I took care of him as best I could during episodes. I made sure we had groceries, paid rent and our bills when he would spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes, shoes, tattoos, and alcohol. I realize now that I did everything I could and mental illness or not; I did not deserve the abuse I was receiving. I did the right thing by leaving and protecting myself and my daughter.
So why am I waking up in the middle of the night crying? I want to be over this so I can move on. I know I will never be able to forget but I want to be able to get on with my life. I still hear the things he used to say to me in my head. I want them out! I'm tired and I want to be happy for real (instead of all the pretending I do).
NO MORE CRYING ABOUT THIS.