Why is it so very easy for me to take care of others and so very hard to take care of myself?

I've tried to understand that. I really dont. I dont have to love people to want to help them or do what I can for them so that they can get what they need. I dont have to believe in them, or understand them either. So why cant I take care of myself as easily?

I dont even have to think about it. If I see someone in need I help or offer to help. If someone asks I also dont have to think about it. When it comes to me I seem to have the opposite reflex. Without thinking I seem to either sabatage myself or stopmyself in some way. I often stop others from helping me too. Why?

I really dont understand it. All I know is that I very rarely do what would help me and I rarely allow others to do things for me that would help me. Most self help books say its a self esteem issue or a sign I dont love myself. That somehow doesnt really make sense though. If I dont have to love or believe in someone else to help them……..I shouldnt have to love or believe in myself to help me either. Yes?

Ugh, maybe its that I feel I need to suffer? That I have done something to deserve to be deprived of things that I need? That I should have life made harder for me because of something I have done? Sheesh, if thats so I really dont know what I think I did to deserve it. Its the only thing I could think of though. If I knew a person who was suffering and I could help them but didnt……….the only reason I can even think of would be because their suffering was a result of something they had done. (like a prisoner in prison for murder).

If I dont know the answers to this or why……how can I fix it?