i hate the sound of my vioce and the feel of my skin when i talk.  i don't feel like i'm getting any better. i'm aware that the path to recovery takes more than an afternoon but it takes a lot longer when your dragging your feet from the start.  if i could only go back i could change how events lead me here today.  "everyone deseves a second chance" but only time travel can make that happen.  i feel like it conflicts with "too little too late".  there are snappy one liners for every situation and twice as many one liners to disprove the original statement.   or there are more than one way to interperate each saying.  im so sick of talking.  i can't listen to people's little spurts of prehistoric verbage anymore.  they want to talk to someone lower than they are and have them listen to their shit, but you hesitae because you know they won't understand what you need from them.  they try to relate and it only makes you more sick.  how everyone wants to be there for you as if a trophy for saying that is going to materialize on their mantal.  the same people that outwardly try to help are the same poelpe that are the first to tell you to "pick yourself up by the boot straps" and "get back on the horse".  i don't want someone to tell me their quote of the day.  what i desire right now is your arms around me.  i need one good nights sleep with you entangling me and for you to still be there when i wake. I dont feel like i'm asking all that much.  i dont even need to glance around right now to know that youre not here with me.  i can feel the cold emptiness where you once stood within my chest.  but youre busy embracing some new warm body right now.  you'll sleep gracefully tonight and regain a fresh breath of life in the arms of your newly found 'me', version 2.  i'm struggling right now with feelings i haven't thought of since before we met.  your costly desicion placed a weighty debt upon my heart that i have no believable chance to pay off.  i'll sell and destroy everything i ever loved, trying to breach the surface of this demoralizing shit pit i find myself in.years from now when that may happen, you'll be far away with a loving husband and beautiful kids, and i will just simply be thankful i'm still alive, too exhaused to care.  i'll lay there broken but relieved.  and it's that vague promise of relief that i need to hold onto right now.  it's all im gonna have.


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