My brother and i don't talk very often anymore. We used to be tight, back when I was in my teens and he was in his twenties. He used to take me to the video arcade–which has been closed now for years, since the popularity of home video game consoles–and we used to hang out at the Barne's & Noble on Rt. 30–which has also closed down now due to the lousy economy. I think of IBC rootbeers, the fresh smell of book paper, hanging onto my skinny-bones brother on the back of his motorcyle, and late-night coffee at The Purple Steer and I wish life was that achingly sweet again.
He moved to Texas when I was eighteen, and ever since I haven't tried very hard to talk to him. He proposed to this Canadian woman who he'd been talking to over the internet the very first time they met in person and I was ENRAGED that I was expected to treat this internet stranger like a member of my family–while simultaneously tip-toeing around her like a guest. I was grieving the loss of my big brother, whom I haven't had a decent conversation with now since he married her. He's been living in Ontario for 12 years–because she didn't want to leave her family behind.
Today we talked for a long time on the phone. I called him because I thought he sounded sad on Facebook. And while at first he deflected my questions with "I can't talk about it now," he finally said, "If I told you, I don't think you'd like your big brother very much anymore."
Right away, I knew he'd cheated on her and for the next hour or so he spilled the whole story of this ongoing relationship he's been carrying on with his wife's married best friend and how screwed in the head he is right now. He and this woman seem to think they're in love.
Here's where it gets particularly sticky. Now, the rest of the world would get marriage counseling or a divorce and no one needs to know the sordid details. But my brother (as well as his wife and the "other woman") is a JW. Every sin is someone else's business. My brother is faced with being "disfellowshipped" (shunned). My mother is also a JW and she will be crushed.
My mother has just gotten out of an intense 3-week outpatient program for depression. She has JUST begun to mellow out and stop having panic attacks. I don't know how she'll deal with her favorite child losing his wife over infidelity–not to mention that she will not be allowed to speak to her oldest child until the disfellowship is over–when their elders feel that he has repented and made positive changes in his life.
How can anyone make positive changes when they're cut off from their entire world? I personally think it's repulsive, but I have to respect their faith. You can't shit on someone else's relationship with God.
I just told him that there was nothing that could make me not love him anymore, that while his actions were inexcusable, they weren't unforgivable. I said things I thought my dad would say–that he wasn't alone, that I was sorry he was in pain, that I was disappointed, but he wasn't a bad man for making a human mistake. But, I also told him what I would say–to put this other woman out of his mind and heart, regardless of who stayed with whom. It will never work out with her. She's only fuel for self-hatred. Cut her off and begin to find peace with yourself.
My heart hurts for him… and even for the annoying cow he married. I'm afraid for my mother, and my damn back still hurts–but whatever. I know I'm a survivor. i just don't know about anyone else anymore.
