After my night class, as I was walking out of the lifts, one of the guys that was meant to be in the class, Charlie.
Charlie is a really nice guy. I like talking to him alot. He is in his 30s, had has alot of life experiences. He says what he wants to say, but then he is very willing to listen too. It’s odd, as when I first met Charlie, I didn’t like him. I think that was more to the fact, I wasn’t used to being around people, as I had not had much social contact for the last year. I think thats another reason why i freak out about the classes.
What makes me trust him, more than anything, is the fact that he has gone through depression too. I told him about my depression ( though didn’t completly disclose my suicide attempt) and he revealed to me that he has gone through depression also.
This evening, me and him got talking about me missing classes. I told him that i’m full of so much self doubt, and I feel like i’m not smart or good enough to be in a class full of these smart people. He was so kind to me. He was telling me that he thinks that i’m strong for even attempting the class, and that it’s the attempt that counts. I’m not sure about this, but the thought was nice. He told me that he knows that i’m smart enough to do the work.
He told me that when I had 2 weeks straight off, people were asking about me, and wanting to get me back to class. He told them to not bother me, and if and when I come back to class, it will be when i’m ready. I really appreciate this. I can’t handle people nagging me to do something, when i’m in a state i can’t even look after myself. It really means alot to me, that he would do this. He didn’t dislose why I was away or anything like that. which i was thankful.
We ended up talking for about half an hour, (much to the dismay of my mother who was doing blocks of the school, waiting to pick me up). I really liked talking to him. Maybe one day i’ll fully disclose my suicide attempt to him, but right now i’m happy to just have someone who i can be totally honest with, who is A) not on a computer, B) not a therapist and C) Not a probation officer. I think I could almost go as far as to say that we are friends. Its been a while since i had one.
Maybe.. just maybe.. i’m making friends in class. Especially Charlie and another girl Danielle. But more charlie. I enjoy his company immensly. I felt really good when I was talking to him, but as soon as I got into the car, I started freaking out. I’m worried that I have said to much. That he thinks i’m odd. I’m worried that hes trying to "work me out".. I don’t think that i’m able to be "worked out". I have been quiet since I got home. My mind has been racing about Charlie. I’m scared.