So I am at work today. I can't remember the last time I worked a full 5 day week I have taken so many "mental health" days in the past few months. I guess I should try to start with a brief backgroud of my life. Grew up in a middle class family. Parents are married but fought a lot. Dad was an alcoholic (now a recovering alcoholic). Mom came from a broken home (her mother died at a young age, dad wasn't around, raised by her mean grandmother). I know my parents tried their best, but children live what they learn. I wouldn't say I was a happy child. I remember feeling like the odd one out, sad, lonely depressed. Some of the first friends I made on my own were ussually kids that came from messed up families. I guess damaged is drawn to damaged. I had a close knit group of friends in highschool but I was still a very angsty teen. Definitely not part of the "in" crowd. Finally when I got to college I felt like I came into my own. Most of my friends now are people I met in college. I also met my first love in college. It was my 3rd year and he was such a nice kid. He was damaged too though. Very broken up when his parents divorced at a young age, heavy drinker, smoked pot. We had chemistry though. I still love that kid to this very day (8 years later) but we only dated for about a year. When we broke up my heart was crushed. I was not the happy go lucky type, but I had never felt THAT depressed in my life. Luckily I was surrounded by friends, social activities and school to keep my busy. But man, there were times when I felt like I couldn't make it. I tried therapy but didn't really click with the therapist. I wanted to talk about my breakup and how crushed I was but she always wanted to talk about my family. It wasn't working so I stopped going. I've had boughts of depression since, but generally was leading a fairly normal life. Finished college, got a job, had a social life, went to grad school, got a better job, enjoyed spending time with my crazy family (sometimes). I got to a point where I was feeling confident and applied for a job in Washington DC…I was living in Illinois at the time. I was born and raised in Illinois and never lived more than an hour away from my family. Well turns out I got the job. It was a huge process, a big accomplishment and something to be very proud of. Then came the move. On about 2 weeks notice I quit my job, packed up only what I could fit in my midsized sedan and moved to the east coast. I found an (exorbitantly priced) apartment, bought furniture and started my job. I made about twice as much money than I did in Illinois but the cost of living was about 3x what I was used to. Money quickly became an issue and that caused loads of stress and anxiety. Then I started being homesick. Missing my friends and family was really hard on me. For the first time in my life (at age 27) I went to a doctor to talk about medication for depression/anxiety. I just couldn't handle it. I would wake up in the morning and as soon as I started my commute the feeling of anxiety would take over my body, starting in my chest and spreading into my arms and head. I could not live like that. I started the medication and it seemed to help. Then about 5 months into living there I met a man. I had been dating a lot since I moved but wasn't really looking to have a relationship. I was still finding my footing. But I met this guy and we hit it off and after about 2 weeks and 5 dates we were an item. Everything was going really well, we spent a lot of time together, he introduced me to his friends who then became my friends and I was beginning to feel like I could make a life here. We were always busy doing something fun and exciting. I still missed my friends and family back home but I was feeling happier than I had in a long time. He flew home with me to meet my family and friends over memorial day and everyone loved him. I also met his family and spent time with them. I think they liked me too, his mom was always trying to get pictures of me and she loved when I asked her how she made her famous carne asada! Well after about 8 months I felt things were going really well. We didn't really have many fights but one night he had too much to drink and was behaving like a complete ass. I was on the defensive and blurted out "do you even love me?"….we had never said the "L" word. I wasn't really thinking when I said it but my thought process I think was…if you care about me why are you being such a dick right now…Anyway, he freaked out when I said that and about 2 weeks later (the day after my birthday) he broke up with me. On a voicemail. It was really hard for me to understand because after the "L" word slipped he still acted pretty normal after we made up. He planned a whole fun day for my birthday and sent flowers to my office on the actual day…then the morning after DUMPED me. That was 4 months ago. It took me a good 2 months to deal with the schock and another month to stop wishing he would come back. But the deep depression spiral it sent me into hasn't cleared up. I still cry all the time because I am so lonely here. I have 2 or 3 friends of my own, but when we broke up the whole life I had been making here with him disapeared. No more family dinners, no more nights with friends. They were all his and I was just forgoten. I don't really blame them, that is normal in a break up. The problem was that I wasn't making an effort to make my own life outside of him and then when it ended I had nothing. I try hard to force myself to make plans and do things but in the long run I still feel depressed. I still have days I can't get out of bed. I still have thoughts of suicide. It is just that life is so hard! I can't imagine dating again because I can't imagine ever going through another break up. But then the loneliness gets to me. Sometimes I just think not living is a better alternative to dealing with life. It is just so HARD. I didn't even get into the issues with work and my supervisor who treats me like crap. But this is enough for now. It is only 10am and I feel like total crap. Woohoo!