The memorial was on Sunday in Cincinnati, and I could not afford to go. The family that used to be my family met together, to mourn the loss of someone they really did not care about. Well the truth is I know her oldest son did, and her youngest daughter did, but the rest, they could care less. It was an opportunity for them to get together, eat and socialize.
I went from laughing at my son’s wonderful talent show to realizing everything I have lost and feeling lost myself. I feel swallowed into a hole. A sea of forgetfulness, and I am the one forgotten, wiped out from their memories that I existed. That for 13 years I put up with their brothers love, then abuse, that I have his children, and raise them on my own. That I have suffered incredible things, and am trying to overcome them. Is this a pity party? Maybe it sounds that way, but they are my facts.
Every day I struggle, I struggle to get out of bed, to take care of my children, to take care of myself, to even breathe. Most days I want to end my life, and he gets to have a girlfriend who dotes over him, children who, when he is in town, shower him with love, (thanks to me), family who thinks he is all that, and then there is me who trips over herself despite the facts that he has hurt me over and over again.
The question do I want him? The answer no!! But I do want what was taken from me. I want my life back! I want my house, and my family, and my friends, and the financial freedom, and the help, and I want my mom in law to be alive, and I want…. I want to be happy and not depressed. I want to choose life and not death all the time. I want to want to live!
Seeing Mae, She isn't gone is she? Really? Grandma Grote, with the family and I wasn't with them I wasn't a part of their lives. I couldn't be there. Only Ron wanted me there. The one brother, who never really liked me when I was married, now knows that i am really, a kind loving person, because of what I did for his mother before she (died). It is so strange to say that. I still see her sitting in the wheelchair cussing at everyone. Why did I never show them before? Was it because I couldn't show them or they couldn't see it?
Why am I so messed up. What do I do? I have my sister willing to help me, take care of my babies for as long as i need her to but I can’t make any decisions. I'm afraid that if I do anything in between dropping them off and getting help i will do something wrong. I don't want to ruin their vacation, my friend's vacation, I feel like everyone is counting on me like always and I have to be picture perfect. How do I meet everyone else’s needs when I am falling apart?
Like I have been doing every other day, die a little bit inside everyday and just do it. Hold it in till they go to bed then go crazy, or cut, or take pills to get through. Goodness I want to drink. Sometimes I wish I would just get drunk, and then maybe the pain wouldn't be so much. The lump in my chest might go away. I wish I could do something anything to lesson this pain even if it is for brief moments in time. I am tired and i want to right now get up and take a handful of pills to never wake up again!!
Dang it!! The desire to do this is soo strong. The grief is so much to bear. The hurt the anguish is so much. Why can't I have someone here with me now?