I'm feeling a bit better so I thought I'd get some stuff written down about it, I always forget that it's important to talk about the good times as well as the bad.
Things at work have improved slightly, although I have definitely angered my manager as a result. I've been given some breathing space (a few weeks) by upper management and HR in order to acquire the skills I need to achieve my targets, followed by a recommendation of a 3 month development period.
With the pressure of my (perceived?) impending sacking off my head I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. Yesterday I went to work feeling stronger than I have in nearly a year. My manager is furious and I know it, although she could never say it aloud she was hoping to have my ass fired by now. I actually got pulled into the office yesterday and talked to about "there's something about you today, I can't put my finger on it". Apparently being able to drag my confidence out from under her metaphorical SS uniform boot is a punishable offence. Her jumpiness was only too obvious, she knows I'm not frightened and I'm documenting everything she says and she's scared now. I'm not being bullied anymore though, life is too short and I won't stand for it any longer.
In other news, I've given up drinking again. This time I want it to stick, and I feel quite confident about it. I went out the other night and drank diet coke all night, it didn't feel difficult and it didn't have any effect on the evening itself. I just think that drink and I do not mix, I use it to medicate my moods and I don't know when to stop. It brings out all of the internal pain and conflict I have going on for all to see and judge, and if I ever want to truly be happy and get better it has to go, at least for the forseeable future.
That's all really. Today I have a day off so I'm doing the boring usual practical things that need to be done, bit of housework, odd jobs etc. I have another counselling appointment this afternoon, it'll be my first since the overdose. It can only really go well I hope.
Love to you all.
