You have to love the musical choice for this…it has been playing in my head for several days so…totally doesn't work, but still.

So, some things have been going on in my life that I don't really want to talk about in blog. Suffice it to say I've been stressed out, upset, crying, and worried. Today, Max went to the vet and had to stay the night. I had the house to myself. And I think I need to explain a few things. I had every intention of going to bed early because I have a sore throat. I had reason to be hopeful about another situation, so I was calmer. I was going to watch horror movies until I fell asleep. I was actually planning to go lay down after I finished calling some people to share the news. So, naturally, I called my neighbor's cell phone. She's a close friend of the family, but it turned out she was already in bed at 8.30. Instead, I got a call back from her son, J. I have to explain some stuff about J. He grew up next door to me from the time he was about eleven. I think that's when they moved in. Anyway, J's had a rough road of it and he's really been a rock for me lately. Well, J also admitted to having a crush on me since he moved in. Admitted that he used to do all sorts of work around my house in the hopes of seeing me (this was a few weeks ago that he told me). He's staying at homenow because he and his wife are probably getting a divorce (the mediator wants them to try counseling first). He's been home for around four days.So…J invites me over for a few minutes to show me something one of the kids had done (he has a five year old daughter and a two year old son). It's evening and I'm in my pajamas, but I went and we talked for about an hour or so…hung out with the kids. His ex was picking them up at 11 (after she got out of work), so he said he still wanted to keep talking through text or come over for a few after she left with the kids. I was cool with that. I went home and vacuumed because Max has made a huge mess and I took my shower–changed…and that's when he called.

Now, I'm a very blase person. It takes some doing to surprise me. So I was a bit startled when he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I misunderstood him at first. He repeated it. At this point…I'm dumbfounded. How did we go from talking and possibly watching tv to him asking if I wanted to sleep with him? I said no, but that he could still come over, because I wasn't against the idea of cuddling orfooling around (I should note this is not the neighbor I had a fling with). So…he met me at my door and came in. I've got a horror film on tv and he's tense. He misses his kids and can't stand his wife. He also has OCD (something he's sort of just discovered because he's never sought help for it and I'm noticing things and we've had some long conversations about it…and if he doesn't have OCD then I'm the prime minister of England). So…we were talking and somehow we wound up on the same couch…and we somehow started cuddling. And then came the porn app on his phone…because of a relaxation technique I had suggested to him for sleep (no joke…it wasn't porn that I suggested, but hey, if that helped it's whatever). It was my idea to go upstairs to cuddle in my room. And we're still talking about sex…even with the tv in my bedroom playing a horror film. I think…ok…I have a thing for him…I'll take it so far and that'll be that. Welllllllllll…I don't know why…I changed my mind. I decided I did want to have sex with him. Why? I have no idea. I'm still sort of trying to figure myself out with that one. So…things get to the point of actually having sex and we wind up not doing it. Which is probably a good thing considering we didn't have protection and we were knowingly going to have sex without it. Again, I'm trying to figure out what I was thinking. Incidentally, he really likes to be bitten…and I got him a few good times over his heart where his wife's name is tattooed. Again…what was I thinking? He pulls hair well and pins a wrist well. Bravo, J. Still, what was I thinking? We calm down. We wind up cuddling again and he strokes my hair and we're both stark naked…and he's talking about how pretty my ceiling fan is. And we both still want sex. The deal breaker is that I didn't feel like um…going down south first. I've got a sore throat as it is. And he kept asking and I kept saying nope…and in between we talked about a million other things. Around 2 he had to get back next door because his brother was coming back from work…and neither of us want anybody to know about this. Well…the neighborhood. So…we go out on the porch because he has blue…um…yeah…and he needs a cigarette. We talked for about another half an hour. Saw a bunny on the lawn across the street. His brother got home and he went to let him in after hugging me and asking me to call him tomorrow. Now…he's also said if he and his wife don't work out he'd like to date me. I'm also supposed to go shopping with him for his daughter's back to school clothes (as fashion consultant). He's a great guy, despite his checkered earlier years. I need advice. Except who do I go to? I can talk to A, except A doesn't know him. I can't talk to N because N one minute wants to marry me and the next gets upset with me and says he's not in love with me anymore and…I think he'd freak. I can talk to B, who will probably understand better than anybody, except he's got his own stuff going on right now. This leaves me with a handful of friends who don't give the best advice, my other neighbors (not the one I had the fling with), and my elderly neighbor across the street (who knows everything…and will probably have this figured out by the next time I see her). She somehow figured out about me and my other neighbor. And I sure don't want to explain this to her.

I decided to do laundry. Because usually, I don't bring men into my bed unless I'm dating them. I mean…other neighbor was at his house so… I don't know. I think it's a bit of an OCD tic. Which A might not be pleased with because of my vow, but I'm hoping this doesn't break the vow. I don't think it does because it's a little thing. My throat is now killing me. I have to call about Max in the morning. I've got a million situations going on. And maybe…a new boyfriend in six months? And I'm supposed to go shopping with him for his daughter's back to school clothes (and I'm not allowed to buy anything…just consult on cute factor). I argued that, because I actually like his kids tons. They're adorable. Except…I almost slept with a married man. Admittedly, one who has not slept in his wife's bed in three years (their son was an accident of one night). Still…I'm kind of astounded at my behavior. It's not the way I am. I guess because J and I have such a long history…I don't know…it felt completely comfortable for the most part and then…well…even just returning to cuddling was fine. I need a rational adult right now. And there are none to be found at 4 am. How am I supposed to sleep? And is this going somewhere? I have no mental plan of action for this. I wish Max was here. Or that one of my friends was awake. Heck…at this point, I'd take my elderly neighbor and probably give her a heart attack telling her the details. And how am I supposed to act normal around him now when we both make each other blush and I'm really close to his family? They're like my second family. What a night. And so…ciao.

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