I wish I could say this was a graceful culmination after many hours of deliberation of my feelings; pasted together with stinking fucking beautiful sentence structure. It's not. It's the product of me staring emptily into the distance, fingers flying across the keys. A desperate form of morse code occuring somewhere deep, damaged, walled off, but ever so ever so fucking plugged in. The part that wakes everyday and feels, but rarely lets anything seep through. The only place I feel like it can truly bleed. Where this alive, damaged, angry part of me runs parallel with the driver dozing behind the wheel of my will to live. I live in a reality created entirely by lies of those around me, strangling me at every turn. A mother in denial, a father cleverly cloaked in self victimization, an absent best friend, a married unavailable maybe one day boyfriend, a friend choking on her own denial of abuse. I sit and wait for these people, these sick lying people. I sit here every day and wait for them… and everyday… they never come. Every night I pat myself on the back before bed and wipe my eyes and tell myself things will be better one day. Rarely do I ever believe it. I realize this is all my own creation. I might as well thank myself for the wonderous torture I've nestled myself down into. I just can't seem to break out of the cycle of thinking that today will be different, things will change, someone will finally put the pieces together and realize that someone needs to get over here and spend some time with me. I know, I know, go make friends kid. It's easy. No…no it is not. Not when I can't set foot around strangers without assessing the risk involved with my surroundings. I can't even talk to someone without feeling like today is the first day I've learned to interact with another human. I've spent the last two years caged like an animal, waiting for owners that never saw my true value. And worse, I can't seem to let go of them to be able to move on and become something else. I miss my rogue bravery like a lover lost at war. I miss my ability to go into the world completely on my own, make new friends, go new places.. I used to be a human chameleon. Then again, it's easy when it's all lies. Bound to these unattentive masters by allowing them below the first few layers of my skin. I want to slip away from all of them, become something beautiful, primal, raw, real. The only thing in the way is myself. Damn it…looks like it's on me again. I'm so terrified of what I think will come out of this. I don't even know what's coming, maybe crippling regret? maybe even worse than this? I wish I could say that my infalliable faith in humanity made it possible to move on and find a different make shift family. I know what could be waiting out there though, and honestly I'm more scared of the ugly sides of life I haven't met yet. I don't want to go and be happy and screw everything up, only to realize later that i should've stayed patient and things wouldn've been perfect. What am I waiting for though? A family that wants to make amends that I truly want no part of… A codependent relationship with a best friend thousands of miles away… A "boyfriend" that after two years I've only seen before daylight a few times… A friend that will always throw me down for her alcoholic dick abusive boyfriend.. Other than that I suppose I've got myself, considering I'm well known for my self loathing, not great company I suppose…