"Cry Over Me" ~ Meatloaf

Another night sleepless

I don't want to feel this

Nothing can stop this pain

Trying to get to

A time I forget you

Still tangled in yesterday.

It's so easy for you to feel nothing for me…

Did you ever feel anything?

I want you to cry over me, die over me

even for a moment, even for a moment

I want you to hurt over me, feel what I feel

I want you to cry over, die over me baby

just one time.

I want your heart broken, some sign of emotion

Wanna see the tears tumble down

Show me I meant something

And that you feel nothing

but your world crashing to the ground

It's so easy for you to forget about me

Did I ever mean anything?

I want you to cry over me, die over me

even for a moment, even for a moment

I want you to hurt over me, feel what I feel

I want you to cry over, die over me baby

Just one time…

Cry…cry…cry

Did you feel something?

Did we mean nothing at all?

I want you to cry over, cry over me

Die over me

Even for a moment, even for a moment

I want to hurt over me, feel what I feel

Even for a moment

Oh, why can't you just cry over, die over me baby

Why can't you hurt like I do, like I hurt over you

Can't you cry over, die over me baby

just one time

I want you to cry over, die over me baby

Want you to fall on your knees baby

Crawl back to me baby

Won't you cry over, die over me baby…

just one time?

Cry….cry…cry….

While I know the lyrics above are specifically about broken love, for me they mean something entirely different. To me, it's also about having to live in the hell of depression, and wishing the other person could live in your world for a few moments, just so that they could finally understand what life is like for those of us struggling with illness. If they could just hurt like us, feel what we feel, even for a moment… it would change things.

This is how I feel today. Angry, hurt, pained and sad. I'm so damned tired of being tired and sad and in pieces. I want someone who understands and gets it to stand beside me and hold my hand. I so often feel that I'm walking through this world alone in this. It separates me from others, through my own doing or theirs; it matters not. I feel like there's nothing left for me to try, to do, to make things better. Right now I completely understand where my friend Eric was coming from when he said please pray for me that I don't awaken tomorrow.

I feel like my life consists of doctor's visits, therapy, psychiatric appointments, meds all day long, having to gauge my moods and watch for any signs of impending problems coming, hiding those things from my family so that they don't have to deal with having an "ill" mommy or wife or daughter, and always pretending in my heart that someday things will be okay. I've been waiting most of my life for that someday. It still hasn't happened yet. I don't know if I have hope anymore. I don't know what it is. My thinking right now says that if I hope, I can be let down, and I can't take anymore let-downs. I am filled to the brim with failures, could-have-beens, should-have-beens, and what-ifs. I am running on empty. There's not much left to keep me going.

Yesterday afternoon I had a complete breakdown and just freaked out and started screaming at my husband (and the world really) about our current financial situation, my mental state, his obliviousness to my emotions, and that we're never going to get out of here because we're both so terrible with money that we're always broke even though there'sno reason we should be. Then I accused him of being more about himself than he cares about being a family man and doing what is necessary to keep the 3 of us bonded tightly together. Somewhere during all of this tirade and saying f*ck a LOT I started crying and just crumbled.

I refused to eat dinner last night because I was too upset (and I kept thinking if you eat that, you won't lose any weight) and then quietly changed into my workout clothes. We left for the park and I didn't say anything the whole way there until we saw a red fox cross the road in front of us. None of us had ever seen one. He was beautiful.

I really wanted to do my exercising alone yesterday evening, but this time Aaron insisted on staying "together" while we walked. This annoyed me greatly because he's always the one who is competitive and wants to go it on his own. I finally told him to go ahead and then he decides he wants to be like a couple that cares about each other and wants to spend time together? I had made it clear that I wanted to be alone several times but he wouldn't listen, so we walked mostly in silence in the light rain. I just wanted a chance to vent out my frustrations and pain through the physical pain the power-walking would bring, especially if I could be alone to do it.

We managed to do about a mile and a half and then stopped because the rain looked like it might be moving in. So we gave up our last walk around the track so Zachary could play tennis, which is why he likes to go so much now. We ended up being there until 8:30 p.m. when we finally decided to pack it up because there were some shady people hanging around after dark and an obvious drug deal went down. It got creepy so we left.

At home we all showered and got ready for bed, but even as we lay down and even as exhausted as I was physically and mentally I couldn't rest. I was freezing for some reason, my head hurt, my foot was screaming and I felt the need to be on my couch for the night. So I went upstairs, took some advil and ate a little something, smoked a cigarette, then wrapped myself in a heavy blanket and hoped the shivers would subside soon. I don't remember falling asleep, but I know I slept hard. No memories of dreams, no memory even of my husband kissing me and saying I love you on his way out the door to go to work. I know he did it, he always does.

I awoke groggily with a pounding head and a dull ache in my foot and it took a minute or two to allow things to come into focus and make sense. I didn't know what day it was, what time it was, and why the tv was on. Things came together in bits and pieces. I slowly got up and tried to assemble my mind and get coffee and realized everything was sore on me. But more than that was the dull thud-thud of my aching heart, and went I went to the restroom I looked at myself in the mirror and it looked like I had cried all night. Red rings around my eyes, dark circles underneath, a drawn look to my face. Maybe I'm sick. That would explain a lot. The shivers, the aching body and head, the pessimistic mood even.

It didn't help things yesterday to begin with only getting a $25 check at work and then finding I hadn't been scheduled at all this week and that they were cutting everybody's hours again. Then when myhusband came home and told me that we were down to $100 to get us through the next week and a half that was it for me. I came unglued. Too much stress on the same subject at the same time. Needing to find a new job but scared, being broke again for no good reason except nobody paying attention to the bank account, not having any money to fall back on, and trying to figure out how the hell to start saving money to get our own place when we can't even get through 2 weeks on a paycheck: it alljust bottomed me out.

Today is mostly going to be a couchday forme. Later this afternoon Zach has his testing to do for the Asperger'ssyndrome and I'm going tohave to makemyself getup for that. But afterwards I think I'm going to take the day off of exercise or just go play tennis and not walk. IfI am indeed sick, which I think may be the case, then pushing myself to work out is not going to help me any.

I posted the song on my page,just undermy "music" section. Please listen to it. It's the sound of my heart today, and the pain I'm feeling inside too. Maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from. If so, pleasetell me you do and how the song madeyou feel. Love you all.