I just finished watching an episode of Jo Frost’s show (Supernanny lady). She tried to talk with the family she was helping about corporal punishment—specifically belt whipping—and the dad got all defense and eventually ended the call. I originally thought she was just overreacting but then I listened to her say why she disagrees with it. She felt it caused anxiety, depression and low self-esteem as the kid grows…it makes me wonder about my childhood. I know placing blame—on myself or my parents--doesn’t accomplish anything but I still wonder about it. From what I can recall of my childhood, I had a smart mouth at times and I did have times when I’d be scared of when my dad would come home (like if I misbehaved or fought with my brother).
I don’t know if I’ve ever had high self-esteem but I didn’t start feeling anxious or depressed until my tweens. As a young kid, I saw a therapist for EMDR but I also remember discussing self-esteem and what to do to help me feel more…confident.
I write this blog now not only because the episode got me thinking but also I think of how I tend to get when my parents are home. I feel like I’m on guard whenever they’re home—and in the time before they are due home. Towards the end of the week, I start worrying about if they will bring alcohol home. They don’t get violent if they’ve been drinking just…critical and demeaning I guess. I take everything to heart. If they make a comment, I play their words over and over and over in my head. It gets exhausting. I get fatigued but instead of going to bed early, I nap and then stay up after they go to bed.
I’ve often thought I’d be better off if I lived alone or with family but I’m so scared of being on my own. It’s like I have to choose between my fears, which if bigger: living on my own or living with my parents where I’m liable to make bad impulsive choices (i.e. self-harm or worse)?
For some reason, being alone in public—or basically anywhere away from my house/neighborhood—make me so scared and nervous. I haven’t figured out why? My feelings of not wanting to exist is pretty constant. I watch movies and read to keep those thoughts at bay.
Now, I’m starting to nod off. If I get 8 hours of sleep, I feel tired all day. If I get 5 or 6 hours, it varies as to whether I will need a nap or not. All of the medications over the past 13 years have probably completely f***ed up my systems (I can’t think of the right word).