So you think that I would bea little happier since I'm getting my permit… something that is long overdue… But!!! I'm freaking out because we are going tomorrow and I'm trying these practice tests online and I"m getting so many of them wrong. I always miss just one too many meaning I don't pass… It's infuriating! Why do we need to take a damn test!?! I know how to drive perfectly fine. I don't need to take a freaking test to prove that. Besides, people don't really retain all this crap until they have some experience behind their belt and I don't really have any experience at all. So how the hell do they expect me to retain this crap!!

Anyway… Today mom came over to say happy birthday to mygrandpa/her dadand it was just…. weird. I'm usually so… happy and care free whenever I am here. And when I saw mom… it was like I became instantly adjetated… Nervous… Like I am at home. I just wanted to go into my room and crawl into my bed. It just didn't make any sense. I shouldn't feel this way… Then she/ they brought up my step-father and that was when I just had to leave the room. I just… I can't handle the topic of my father… It just… I grow silent and complient… Like at the mere meantioning of him, flashbacks of life with him come to mind… It's like if I make one wrong move then I'll regret it for the next week… Kind of like with mom… It's like she's takin' over the role of my father. Being the bossy adult that looks down at me, dissapointed. Calling out on all my flaws and recalling all my mistakes… I just… I can't handle it. I shouldn't have to handle it… I don't want to talk about this right now…

So I'm really quite nervous for Saturday because we are going to pick up my boyfriend so that we can have lunch/dinner… It's nerve wrecking because they haven't met him yet and I just have to know that they like him… I'm going to be living here soon and I just have to know that they like him. Their approval is pivital. Because if they don't… I just don't know how I can handle it. I can handle all my friends hating us and I can handle mother hating him… But I just… I couldn't handle them hating my boyfriend… not them.