I’ve been thinking about taking an OD all day long. I just don’t see anyway out, I don’t want to feel like this any longer. It’s not a life it an existence. I can’t live with anyone yet I can’t live without anyone. Who the hell can make sense of that? I just want to be a happy confident person. I’ve never ever been a happy confident person, so how the hell am I gonna become one now.? I’m nearly 50 for gods sake. I aint gonna change now. I can’t tell my family how I feel cos I don’t wanna put this on them. They all think I am a happy, confident person, cos that’s what I portray, but I’m not, never have been, never will be.

I think my only daughter hates me, she become very cold towards me lately. I hoped the birth of my first grandchild last August would bring us closer together, but we are further away than ever. I think she might be depressed also, cos she has suffered from depression and she does have a chronic illness to deal with and could lose her job, but she has a loving and supportive husband, and doesn’t seem to need me anymore. I can’t talk to her about how I feel, cos she is very opinionated and I fear she will cut me off completely. She used to ring me nearly every day, now I hardly hear from her, she used to ring me nearly every day before she met her husband, but now she thinks more about my ex husband who was her step father, the trouble is, they used to argue like hell and always used to be moaning to me about each other, which put a big strain on my relationship with both of them, now they seem to be as thick as thieves, she even lied to me that she was working last christmas and then spent the day at his and his new wifes house, she has even called my grandchilds middle name after his wife. I know she is bitter about some aspects of her childhood, and keeps having little digs about stuff. I know I could have done better as a parent but I did my best, and she never went without.

I never see my sisters for months on end, but I they are coming to pick me up tommorrow to go out for lunch. This is why I think if i end it all tonight. At least I’ll be found. If I did it any other time, I could be laid there for weeks rotting away, cos I the phone never rings, and no-one ever visits.

I don’t wanna put everyone through the guilt and the grief of suicide, cos I know how it felt when our brother topped himself 10 years ago, but I cannot live like this any longer. The misery just does not do away. How does everyone else get through it, do you ever get used to feeling miserable, failing every relationship, not feeling worthy of having a relationship, being so unhappy with the person I am and the way I look?