So it has been quite some time since I've been on this site. As an update, I have moved to my new home and so far its been alright. My new school, well, as I've stated before is nice, but people are just…ugly. I don't mean their outsides. They actually have a pretty good gene pool. I started off as a loner, as predicted, but after maybe the 3rd day, a girl Sydney sits with me, complaining about the girls she was trying to stop hanging out with. Welp, she honestly didn't last long. She eventually just stopped sitting with me at my self-declared Loner Table. And like so many people, I am incredibly shy and don't have the confidence to approach people and be 'friendly". I warm up to people eventually, but it is just so discouraging sitting at a table by yourself watching everyone laugh and talk like they've got no worries in the world. Everyone already knows each other. Its hard to just pop right into their group of friends. Eventually though, another girl decided to sit with me. Her name is Edna and she's a freshman. I am grateful to have her as a friend and all, but I cannot understand a word she says. She had just moved to this country from the Phillippines. So most of the time I'm just nodding and smiling, pretending to know what she's talking about. And she doesn't seem to know the difference either. So its just me and her for a bit. And in my classes, I'm the loner there as well. I work alone in group projects and whatnot. No one talks to me unless they're asking what to do. Good side of classes, I have good grades again. Thus far anyway.
As another good thing, I have finally finished my manuscript and am now going through the promotional copy for last fine tuning before it goes to printing. So that's a good thing going on in my life.
Continuing on…my parents still pretty much swept me and my depression under the rug. Since it's just me and younger sibling with my parents, we have gotten slightly more attention. Me and my dad are on fairly more than neutral grounds. Normally, we're not that close. I still don't have the proper help for my depression. I've pretty much shoved it down under like my most of feelings.
But you know, I don't think it'll be long before I really snap. I've had some close calls, yes, but after today, I realized just how incredibly tired I am of holding everything in, of not having anyone to talk to, and of being lonely. Four weeks ago, my life got pretty damn good. Though I had Edna, I made some new friends through this guy Jake, who had made an excuse just to talk to me, which made me feel really nice. And in all honesty, I really hate that I have these typical girly feelings, of the mushy gushy feelings and of the hurt. I hate it. But oh well, I feel this has got to go somewhere. Anyway, Jake and I started to hang out and we go on a date. And then another and he declares that we're boyfriend and girlfriend. And at this point, I'm feeling great. I had someone to talk to, a cute guy at that, and I really had nothing to worry about. But of course, due to past sucky relationships and personal skeptism and a bad habit of over-analyzing everything, I had my suspicions about him and his so called "best friend" Mandie, who I didn't like upon first meeting her. Apparently, she had gotten out of a relationship and was trying to cuddle up with Jake while me and Jake were dating. Jake said he didn't like her at all like that. But who knows? So things continue and we're doing great, but then this one week, just this one freaking week ruins it all. He goes to work and often didn't talk to me after school 3 days of the week, which is fine. We didn't need to talk everyday of the week. Anyway, I started noticing that's he kind of an asshole at times. I knew he was sarcastic, but sometimes he can be a real jerk about it. Especially to other two asian girls who joined my table and whom I can also not understand. I didn't like it. And I also didn't like how he would rub some stuff in my face. Like him having a job and car. I have been applying everywhere left and right and due to funds, I'm not allowed to drive until I'm 18, which is in January. But I mean, everyone has their bad qualities. And he's also into Pokemon and when the new game came out, I was ignored for about 2 days. So that definitely kinda hurt. And then he "gets sick" with a cold and won't really hug me or kiss me. It was understandable when he said it, but he didn't look or sound sick aside from the occassional weak and rather fake sniffle. So I start sensing that he's not into me anymore. I could take the hint. Basically, what ended up happening is…he broke up with me on Saturday, through TEXT I might add. He said he felt a lack of chemistry all of a sudden, that we didn't have a relationship feel to us. I was really pissed off, considering it was him who was putting me off and whatnot, but I didn't say anything, because you know…what's the point in trying to fight for something that the other person clearly doesn't want? He wasn't interested in me anymore. Oh well. I'd been through break ups before and I didn't cry. No. I refused to.
That is, until today. It makes no sense to me. After thinking about it, I didn't really like him THAT much, but I found myself incredibly hurt when he says "We'll be friends, because I don't want to lose you completely. I want us to be buds, so I'll still talk to you and stuff" and then come today, he doesn't sit with us at the table and doesn't even say hi to any of us, but instead walks off with none other than Mandie. They go into a classroom together and I'm stuck at a table of girls I can't understand, feeling horrible. I had gotten all nice and dressed up with that "I'll show you what you're mising attitude", but I felt so stupid. I was admitedly furious seeing them together, talking and whatever. I don't know whether they got together or not since the 3 days of him being single again, but just the thought….it made me furious to a point where I dug my fingernails as deep as I could into my arm until it bled. I wanted to scream and throw things. And then what was worse, I went into the classroom they were in and the look on her face as she saw me, it was that "I'm caught and I'm scared" look. It just made me think even more that they were a couple now. He gave me a measly wave and that's it. And when he left the classroom, Mandie went with him for quite some time before the last bell rang, like they were going to do something they didn't want me to see, which only confirmed my suspicions even more. I had to sit in the class with her for a whole 50 mins. Admitedlly, I kinda wanted to smash her face into her desk. I'm pretty ashamed about that, but oh well. I was honestly on the verge of a panic attack, which I have a tendency to have under emotional stress. I couldn't focus in class and I just wanted to throw a huge fit. It was really ridiculous on how I reacted and I am so ashamed to having these feelings, for reacting like some obsessed girl on a guy. I was never like that before, but all of sudden, I am. Its disgusting. So as I'm sitting 3 rows behind Mandie, I'm trying to control my breathing while pinching the hell out of my arm, thinking about how much I disliked her and Jake. And at the end of the day, I had almost cried on several occassions, feeling used and unwanted. I was so lonely before Jake and now I'm just back in it. That's what I'm really afraid of. I'm scared of having to be alone again, of having no one at my side, no one who will take the time to talk to me and understand me. Really, I don't have any friends. Not old ones or new ones. And it just utterly disgusts me to a vast extent that I feel this way because of a stupid guy. I didn't even know for sure if he got with Mandie. I hated that I was jealous. I just hate that I was having typical girl feelings. But I guess why I'm so upset about it is because it just ties into my core of feeling lonely, abandoned, and not cared about. When I got into the car, I wanted to break down and cry, but I wouldn't let myself. I told my mom and she said, "You knew this stuff might happen. He's just a guy. And highschool really isn't a place to look for relationships. You don't need to waste your time and feelings on someone like them anyway." And though what she said is true, it still didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel worse.
So this is where I am. I am regretfully and shamefully tossed back into my world of lonliness because of a stupid guy. I cried my eyes out when I got home, mostly because I knew I was going to be alone all over again, not just from a relationship view either. He made up for not having my parent's attention, not having friends, but now I got nothing again. And I don't really want to go to school now because of how ashamed of myself I am. I made myself feel so stupid for liking someone like him. And the thing I don't understand and hate is the fact that I still want him to like me and be interested in me again. So what the hell am I supposed to do with feelings and thoughts like this?
Sure, I can just chug it down and forget about it, shove it down with the rest of my troubles like I always do. But I don't want to. I don't want to add more emotional build up, because I know that when I finally shatter from all the neglected feelings, it will NOT be good.
I really hate to waste a blog on something so typical like boy problems, but for some reason beyond me, this is hurting me more than it should.