So first of all, I feel that I should say that I have been a member of this site before, but got better and didn't use it anymore. It wasn't until a month or so ago when I tried to login and couldn't remember the info. I believe my previous username was RemnantDoomBlossom or something.

Point being, I'm back. It's not to check on any status or anything either. I have relapsed. It's been a few years since I was in the thicket of severe depression. I've gotten older now and had more experiences, both good and bad.

I started noticing that my depression was once again upon me shortly after my sister moved back in with her two children. Now, I will not blame my sister for my relapse, but her return has definitely thrown a stone into my once still waters. Also, my depression was never fully treated as my therapist was sort of bad. She worked out of her home, though it seemed legitimate, but she would eat in front of me. She was too relaxed and never really told me anything or said she ordered books for me, but they never came. Basically, all she did was sometimes listen and most times take the time to eat and fall asleep. Eventually, when it came to confirm my next appointment, she did not answer any of my calls and this went on for weeks. One day, whilst going to the movies with my family, I saw her standing outside of a theatre. I stood right in front of her and I knew she could see me plain as day, but she just glanced at me and then carried on, as though she didn't recognize me or realize that I had been her patient for months.

With that being said, I stopped seeing her and dealt with it on my own, which was a lot harder than I thought at the time. I was unable to get another therapist because me and my family were moving and it just wasn't convenient at the time. So, my depression got buried. I moved to a new town, went to a new school, and didn't make any new friends, besides one person, who I may mention later at some point. Maybe in this blog or another. Anyway, I didn't have time to think about being depression. And for a good long while, it worked.

Still, I could feel small remnants of it. My motivation had dwindled bit by bit or my concentration was near impossible to obtain. Things were off. My thought process wasn't different. It remained negative. And I didn't notice how negative until recently, until it literally became an intense battle to fight off all the horrible thoughts, the doubts, the denials of my self-worth.

I sit here writing this now, as someone on the brink of making a decision. I have been thinking about finally finding a new therapist. I wonder about doing so because my depression is not yet as bad as it used to be. I am able to get out of bed and go about my day and even go to college like a normal person. Before, I wouldn't leave my room, let alone my bed. I had felt that there was no reason for me to, not even to eat.

And I have something I didn't have before. I have someone. I am in love with him and he makes me so incredibly happy and sometimes he feels like the only good thing in my world, the only thing keeping me from falling apart. And I know this because when I am not with him, I only think about being with him, or my days not spent with him are monotonous. Now I know this sounds like just the start of new love and whatnot, but when I say he is the only good thing. I mean it. I have told of my past experience with depression and he does his best to help. He makes things better before they can get worse.

Being home, still living with my family, makes me feel a little lame. Yes, I'm still young and I'm a full-time student, but I could have a job. Something. I don't. And it’s hard to find work out here, but I know deep down that's not the only reason I haven't found a job.

I am scared. Of everything.

Too scared to get a job, to risk things. I always play it safe. I always have and I saw that I missed out on beautiful experiences with friends, with family, and myself, just because I was too afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt, of it not being fun for me, of people mistreating me. So many things. Fear is good. In limited amounts. It is good to be afraid. It keeps you from danger or physically harming yourself, but in other ways, it only disables you and keeps you from beautiful things and beautiful people.

And the fear I have has gotten me to write this, to come back to this site. Tonight, I had an argument with my mother. I won't get into right now, for the sake of keeping this blog short-ish. But at the end, I put in my headphones and tried to keep the negative thoughts at bay, but they kept coming, crushing me, pushing me down like tall and fierce ocean waves. I just kept getting closer to drowning. But a strange feeling came over me. The fear of missing out on life came to mind and then I thought I should try harder not to be so afraid, because I have, always have, had the strange feeling that I would never live very long. I can't see myself getting old. I have a feeling I'll die before I get too old. Maybe I'll die by my own hand, by a car accident, I don't know.

I told my boyfriend this a few months ago and he said I was silly and that he'd do his best to protect me from death if I was that worried about it. I decided to tell him because in that moment, we were laying in the sun and I had never experienced a moment so beautiful. It brought me to tears honestly. I had never been so happy as when in that moment. I couldn't believe that I had met someone as great as him and that I was actually happy in my life. Despite it not being perfect, I was happy and was just in such disbelief. I kept asking him over and over if he was real. I had the silly notion that I was dead and experiencing all the beautiful moments that I had missed in my life because of my early death. I appreciated the moment with every single fiber. A lot of people would take this as me just being happy I'm with someone, but no. It was a great and powerful sensation. As someone who had been previously dying, and I mean it, dying, a simple moment like that, brought me to tears because I was so glad I could experience it.

Now, I'm still grateful that I can experience things similar to that, but that does not make my looming depression better. I should be grateful. I should be totally happy. Some aspects I am, but when I lay in my bed, I cannot sleep. Not without feeling all the crushing pains of other feelings that had been overcoming me, the fierce loneliness that I feel amongst my family, people I was so close with. Nothing is the same with them anymore and it kills me a little bit more each time. I can't think for too long, because then I think about my dwindling family relationships, my doubts of myself, my worries about losing people I care about, finding a job, making it through school, and just being okay. I scare myself by thinking about the future and its always things that could go wrong. I hardly think about a bright future or when I do, the thought it thwarted by something negative. It always happens.

So now, I do not know what to do. I ask for your advice. I kept this blog entry brief, at least somewhat. You should have seen the blog entries on my previous account. But yes, I will be adding more blog entries gradually, fill in the gaps of my life and some of the things I mentioned in this blog. Let me know if you want to know about any one of them and I'll work on that first. Truly, just being able to write this helps a little. Writing has always helped me. So thank you if you took the time to read this. It means a lot.