First of all, Happy New Year to everyone, and I love all of you. I know that may sound corny or strange or whatever in light of me not knowing a lot of you personally, but I mean it. I mean it because all of you on here, I know your pain, and you know mine, and I see you all as my allies and confidants in the ongoing battle. So how can I not love people who are all that to me, be they "strangers" in terms of never having met them in person or (more specifically in the context of communication here in DT,messaged them or left a comment on their page) not?
Well, it started today with me rushing to get out of my Mom's house as usual because I just…get so frustrated dealing with her, and then her calling me back as I was trying to get to my car, saying "You know Todd, now that you have this job(a new gig as an Uber driver of all things), I think it's time that you start considering putting some of that money away…"(because she hears that Uber drivers can make a decent amount of money, and yes they can, and yes I have been, especially by comparison to my other very..barely-a-job, job, we'll just call it….but she doesn't think about things like it's just been a particularly busy time of year with holiday parties, New Year's, etc, and that all stops in the days ahead, and I only started this job three weeks ago, so it's going to get considerably less busy I anticpate, and so there won't be as much $ coming in from it soon enough. And she doesn't take into account that the car is leased, and although still fairly spanking new having only gotten it at the beggining of November, soon enough, have to start worrying about accumulating too much mileage on it—there's already been a lot of it in the short time I've had it because of the Uber gig. And she doesn't take into account that being on disability, I have to worry about keeping it to a set maximum amount of income per month or else I forfeit all my benefits…I think. I don't know, am very confused about that, as usual.)
And it continues with me of course semi-snapping and having an over-emotional response as is so typical of me when it comes to discussing these things, something along the lines of "No Mom, it's not time to consider putting some of it away, because even though you think I'm making a lot, it's still not enough; my whole f**king life I've always been nothing but a paycheck-to-paycheck kind of guy. I've never been like every single other person we know with a reliable decent steady, at-the-very-least $40,000/ year job–not even close. That's what's been put upon me and there's nothing I can do about it…" That's not exactly how it was word-for-word, but that's the gist of it. So then it's me storming off upset and angry, and having the usual following unshakeable thoughts…
My life has just been such a freaking mess..And still very much is. I've never been able to "find myself"…and still very far away from ever doing so. And the worst part is I'm not so young any more either.
I too often feel like a lost soul and like my being placed in this world was an accident. My Mom and older sister I feel very much rule my world, and I have this kind of seething quiet resentment towards them for it….or maybe it's towards me too.
I was supposed to be such a changed person…such a stronger tougher person after having endured my three-year bout with severe depression and anxiety…and maybe I was for a little bit but it just didn't stick…or it's "worn off"…or maybe I never really was and I just wAnted to think I was. I don't know.
Why the hell couldn't I just be normal? Why the hell couldn't I just be a,successful doctor or lawyer or businessman like every single freaking friend or peer that I know who I grew up with? And it's just that much more embarrassing and frustrating being Jewish and knowing how we're supposed to be good and successful at that kind of stuff…
Why the hell did I have to be such a misfit and so excessively aware that I am and so embarrased and ashamed of it and feel so powerless to change it…so f**king….POWERLESS….anyway, I'm sorry, I know you all got problems of your own. But…just needed to vent I guess. Thank you for "listening". 🙂