Hello, so there were times when I really felt like I am going to kill myself and it was awful. I felt empty, I felt like everything and everyone was just against me. This week, I felt okay. I didn't feel empty or depressed or dead at all. But, yes, plot-twist, I started to hurt myself again. I know I can't cut because every friday I have to go to swimming pool but I started to make bruises by hitting myself with my fist and glass jar. I am enjoying the pain and bruises I get from it. The pain is really releasing and bruises are beautiful. I am not doing it because I need to feel alive, but I am doing it, because there is always something I did wrong. And I need to punish myself. For example I started to have feeling towards my ex-partner and I really shouldn't have these feelings so I punish myself for it. It's only my fault. I would love to cut but because of school, I can't. But I swear, when I get out of high school, I will start to cut myself again. I know it's dangerous and I don't even know if I need it, but there are always days when I need it. Nobody would even care if I cut. Nobody cares now. I have no one to care. I started to talk to this girl from Norway and she is really helping me. She is listening to me and I am listening to her. We both have problems. But I still have these guilty feelings. About everything I do. I am okay, but I can't stop hurting myself. I am scared, that when school start again, I will be depressed again. But more hurting myself for me. I like when I am hurting myself. Everyone in my class is talking about me. I know they are. But they are doing me a favor. They are making me hurtmyself. Thank you for that. So, until I will be okay, I will hit myself.