Long time, no visit..

I've been feeling pretty good..

I got in contact with my best friend of 6 years, and she reminded me of exactly why I love her so much. She's so dependable and funny.. Why did I ever stop talking to her?

The weather has also warmed up a bit, helping my mood as well. I've actually put effort into my appearance for the last week.. But it will be returning to the same harsh cold days soon..

Things were somewhat ok between my sister and I.. We haven't had a major argument in about a week, though we have had medium sized ones..

I haven't self-harmed in any ways for a while either.. Feels pretty good to not stuff pills down my throat till I'm nauseous, or force something pointy into my skin..

But I still don't feel right.. I still feel trapped..

I reactivated my facebook, hoping to reconnect with the world, but all it's done is show me how much I'm missing out on..

I see all my old friends posting pictures of their new friends, and talking about friday night plans, or just hanging out. I've done none of that.. And I know everyone is different, but I wanted to make friends and invite people over and go hang out a few nights of the week.. I wanted to have change in my life.. But all I get is the knowledge that my life has taken a turn for the worse..

I have no friends, other than my newly reconnected best friend, and I never have any plans so I can get out of this place for a while..

I'm too scared to leave my room because I know as long as I'm in here, with the door closed, I can control what I hear.. If Ieave my room, I'm exposed to hearing my sister and that idiot laughing, or arguing, ordoing "it". As soon as I hear any of that, I know for a fact I'll lose all my progress and lose my mind. I keep music on constantly in my room, just so I don't accidently hear anything. I turn the tv in the living room up loud at night so that if I hear anything I can blame it on the tv.. Is there a name for this?

I force myself to distract my own thoughts constantly.. It's tiring..

Deep down, I know nothing's changed.. I know I'm just as angry and bitter and crazy as I was a week ago..

I can't stand what I've become.. I've lost any motivation for my classes.. I go to 2 out of 5 of them, and it's starting to really hurt my grades..

It's like no matter how hard I try to believe things have started to get better, I'm quickly remined of how things won't be getting better any time soon..

For every high I get, there's an extremely low low waiting for me when I get down..

This mental madness is starting to take it's toll on me, again.. I can't beat it..


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