An email I just sent to my DT friend Bethie.
I know you mean well. I really do. I just find it incredibly hard to see any good in me. I think, actually i know, that when people look at me they see a monster.. and that is me. I don’t see anything positive.
To be honest, I wouldn’t know if a change of scenery would help. I’ve tried that remember? I went interstate for a month to live with my aunt. There were even times when I was there that I felt so down, but I couldn’t show that to them cause I didn’t want to make them feel bad. I always feel so guilty when I talk to someone about how i’m feeling. Even you. I feel like everyone else has thier own issues and stuff to deal with, so them hearing my "stuff" isn’t helping them at all. I feel so selfish. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to y’know? just to tell everything that i think, without judgement. Finding that is really hard. Even talking to the therapists and drs, I find it really REALLY hard. I feel like such a burdon all the time. It makes doing anything, or asking for anything so incredibly hard. I really envy those who can be so open to everyone about everything. I think I’d like to become a mute. I think i’d do well not speaking. I avoid drs at all costs. They make me so nurvous. When I was in the hospital there was this time when there was the head psychiatrist, and a resident. I ended up having a panic attack in the middle of the session, my tongue when numb, my speech slurred, and it got to the point when I couldn’t even talk. It was horrible. Now I have this fear of doctors so bad.
as for the wedding, yeah it hurts. I know why she didn’t invite me. THere are a few reasons really. One, well my "mental condition" as I was told. That hurts. I doubt she wants anyone there that is fat, ugly, and has horrible scars on her wrist. The other reason is that her mum is now married to alicia’s dad (not mine), a fact that I find completely discusting, and I refuse to talk to my aunt anymore. I guess she worries that i’ll make a scene, which of course i wouldn’t. I guess its just something that i’ll have to deal with. Its just one thing after another at the moment. Its time when everything is snowballing like this that I find it really REALLY hard to cope. All i think about is suicide or cutting. I havn’t cut since I was in the hospital (I actually cut while on the ward, something that I know if the drs found out I would have been in big trouble. Now I have some horrible scars on the bottoms of my legs. I’m pretty sure that mum knows what happend there)
I would like to come to the usa. I really would. I think that until I at least get a job thats not going to happen. Or unless I win the lottery or something. Everything I want to do is just a pipe dream.
The work thing, well i was on unemployment benifits and then I told centrelink( the govt agency that pays us) about my knee and my depression. They then sent me for an assessment, I spoke to someone about everything, and then they refered me to this rehabilitation group called CRS. They deal with people with injuries and illnessess and help them get back into work. Seeing them now qualifies me for disability benifits which is what i’m now on. They are the ones that are forcing me to do some sort of work. They are wanting me to do some volunteer work or something. At least 15hrs a week. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but they don’t realise how much I’m a failure and how much I know that I can’t do it. I’ve just lost all confidence in myself and everything I do. I spend all my days at home, watching tv or on the internet. I go to the appointments for CRS and thats it. Now when I leave the house I get freaked out, and all i want to do is just go back home. At least there I can’t make an idiot of myself. I’m a hermit and i guess thats the way i’m supposed to be.
I try to make everyone see me happy. I really do. I’ve become great at letting people think i’m happy. I don’t know why I even care to be honest. They don’t care if i’m happy or not.
There have been so many times I have wrote a suicide letter. I usually write it to Alicia. I hope she never ever has to go through this hell. I really do. *crying now*
I don’t know what you can do to help. I feel like i’m beyond help.
I am a mix of sadness and anger;
I am a shadow of my old self;
I’m black. When it turns night i fade away.
I’m fading bethie. I am, and eventually i’ll be gone.