Hello, so there were times when I really felt like I am going to kill myself and it was awful. I felt empty, I felt like everything and everyone was just against me. This week, I felt okay. I didn't feel empty or depressed or dead at all. But, yes, plot-twist, I started to hurt myself again. I know I can't cut because every friday I have to go to swimming pool but I started to make bruises by hitting myself with my fist and glass jar. I am enjoying the pain and bruises I get from it. The pain is really releasing and bruises are beautiful. I am not doing it because I need to feel alive, but I am doing it, because there is always something I did wrong. And I need to punish myself. For example I started to have feeling towards my ex-partner and I really shouldn't have these feelings so I punish myself for it. It's only my fault. I would love to cut but because of school, I can't. But I swear, when I get out of high school, I will start to cut myself again. I know it's dangerous and I don't even know if I need it, but there are always days when I need it. Nobody would even care if I cut. Nobody cares now. I have no one to care. I started to talk to this girl from Norway and she is really helping me. She is listening to me and I am listening to her. We both have problems. But I still have these guilty feelings. About everything I do. I am okay, but I can't stop hurting myself. I am scared, that when school start again, I will be depressed again. But more hurting myself for me. I like when I am hurting myself. Everyone in my class is talking about me. I know they are. But they are doing me a favor. They are making me hurtmyself. Thank you for that. So, until I will be okay, I will hit myself.

1 Comment
  1. rieno 7 years ago

    can you try to do other things to have fun and not hurt yourself? You might think you're getting something acomplished by doing this but it really does nothing but make things worse. try to find help sounds like you need it.

     

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