After my last entry I briskley walked to the gym. My brain was racing. I had to pay my previous months member fee at the gym, and when the girl was talking to me I was so utterly un-present that I felt like a poorly functioning automated machine. I get this feeling that I am peering at the world from within a glass box…at my worst I percieve things almost as though I’ve smeered valseline all over my window as well. It was a vaseline situation yesterday. I hardly heard what the girl had said, I don’t remember the conversation but I remember her repeating something she said and looking slightly bemused. I burnt 500 calories in 35 minutes on the eliptical trainer.
When I went home I ate too much and vomited. I can be doing so well with myself and then one cracker will drive me speedily onto an icy patch and the rest is just death.I felt discusting. I looked at my side profile in the bathroom mirror and remembered that fucking psychic Dennis telling me when I was 16 that I would have a weight problem at this age and would struggle with my weight all my life. I remember when he told me that I laughed and said Im much too conscious of my figure to let that happen. I stood there that night, like many other nights, maybe hundreds of them by now, thinking, fuck. I have a problem and I can’t control myself. fuck. what is wrong with me. Think of your TEETH, you need those to chew. You will be broke from dentist bills. And why am I so preoccupied with myself? When there is so much else going on with the world? Why am I so in my head, in my own personal hell? Why do I create this for myself? I am a person with so many advantages and priviledges in life because of where I am from alone. And here I am sabbotoging myself. I’m selfish and vain and I’m not doing anything about it.
And I laugh a little as I think about the people who have told me I was “very mature” for my age…if only they knew how much of a child I am in my head… helpless and bratty.
I drank too much of my chinese tea on saturday when we all went out, myself, my roomates, the couchsurfer from quebec, and friends of my roomates. We were all having a great time but my stomach was in such knots and when we got home I had to ask if 1am was too late to shower because my stomach was in such pain that I almost cried clutching it, thinking why the fuck do I do this to myself? and for who?
Shamefully I must also admit that I began fantasizing about dying in an obsure place in the world from some terrible occurence that happened out of my hands.
Related Articles
-
Down and Dirty with my OCD
LeonardA, , OCD, Anxiety, Medication, OCD, Religion, Therapist, Therapy, 2
The actual wording, "down in the dirt with my OCD," is a quote taken from a participant that Dr....
-
-
Enriching thoughts
Jc110488, , OCD, Anxiety, Forgiveness, Grief, Personality Disorder, Religion, Self Esteem, Sleep Disorders, 0
ENRICHING THOUGHTS The most destructive habit ………………. Worry The greatest joy ……………………….. Giving The greatest loss …………………… ...
-
Succeeding for others, not me
MolsRN, , Anxiety, OCD, Anxiety, Career, Forgiveness, Relationships, Stress, 0
It’s time I take this seriously. Time I stop ignoring my problems and face them, or at least make...
-
-
I dont know what i am anymore
mattbenjamin50, , OCD, Anger, Child, Depression, Grief, 2
Up until two days ago, i was certain about where i was going to live and about helpiny my...
-
Downplaying Feelings…
bluerosie, , OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Questions, Sleep Disorders, 4
I am feeling a bit uncertain. Hopeful, because I'm finally reaching out and figuring out what's been going on...
-
a goal
delane1, , Anxiety, Depression, Marriage & Family, OCD, Anxiety, Child, Religion, 0
i’m trying to not be a ‘buzz kill’ or ruin anyone’s spirit or whatever you wanna call it….i just...
0 Comments