Ok………

Well to be honest I am a goody too shoes. I am not a bad person and had no problems before OCD. I got good grades in the 90's was carefree, and joyous. But sadly that has changed recently. I don't what to do as I stumble through life "just trying to get by." But I know that I can better but saying this is a lot different then actually doing it.

Well my OCD is a very complicated one and it effects my life greatly. My OCD simply stated out as a need to feel clean. But that soon changed into more excessive ways. My hands soon because as red hot as a third degree burn victim which would then become so dry that they would crack and bleed. Eventually they would flake to the point were my hand just had a layer of dead skin on top of it. Eventually I started to bring that away from the table (also with a little help from a think called lotion). But then more problems started to arise where in not feeling clean I would not want to touch my shoes to tie them or pet my dog (who sadly has become scared of me and does not expect anything from me (like even love or attention) and does not really care if I'm here or not. Of course this would get me into the point where I wouldn't want to touch anything with my hands. Using the underside of my shirt to open doorknobs, turn on the sink(which really if find smart because why should I put my clean washed hand on something that I just touched with my formerly dirty hand.). But I would be in such a state were if I felt I was clean then if I ever got unclean I wouldn't want to touch anything that was clean because when I touched it would become unclean (yes I know my logic is flawed and I'm a smart kid). Little by little and day by day I started to care less about that as moiré and more things I touched become dirty. However, when I ever went to a friends house or school I considered everything to be clean and I don't worry bout it. It's only at home.

This would help grow to my despise of my house and utter soon to become slacker and terrible (in my mind school worker) But in school I had always had on thing that remained the same. I hated drugs and druggies. I know that’s a good thing to hate and I can say that I haven’t done any. But this would cause me to express my opinion in many ways. I would start to hate friends because they had either done drugs or were/are doing them. I don't bother to help them with there problems I more or less just get pissed at them. Its terrible cause I feel that drugs are kind of like a sin (even though I am not religious for that matter). I think they by doing drugs they have done something and are now horrible people because of it. This would add another trait to my OCD I would soon become afraid of drugs. I would think that anything that could be a drug was a drug. (I would be so pissed if I ever got high in anyway that I do not deserve to do anything fun or good or that I should be punished for eternity(again I think I'm such a good person that I m golden and nothing bad should touch me (an example is I promise not to drink any alcohol till I'm 21 (5 more years)))) I think that any white stuff is cocaine and any rolled up paper is a joint and so on. I would think If I touch my shoes and I stepped on a piece of rolled up paper (which I know wasn't pot) on my shoe I wouldn't want to touch my shoes cause then I would be touching pot. (So once again I have flawed logic I know).

So needless to say this has cause a lot of unwanted sadness in my life. About a year/ 1/2 year ago I used to have major panic attacks where I would cry and get angry and pissed and tiered and then feeling that my whole life is crumbling apart and I can't do anything to fix it. (Which reminds me of the belief of predestination which is total crap so I came to realize that this idea was to). But a remember my parents used to get very angry at me. I knew they loved me but I talked about OCD everyday and it drove me to the point of insanity. I mean for my last birthday, my present had to do with problems I had and there presents were ways of fixing it. (Such as I did something with my CED player and didn't want to use it so guess what I get to my surprise?) But I got so angry on time that I went on a rant and kicked a spindle of the back of my moms wooden chair and it took at least 3 months to replace it. So every time I would walk into the kitchen I would be reminded of my offense. Later I learned to control that anger and have not had problems with anger but it is now leaning to the side of depression. I mean if I do something bad or something bad accidentally happens (at least I think it's bad) I will punish my self and not do anything fun (which I know is wrong but I'm sorry)

Then when something bad happens my mind, the son of a bitch that it is starts playing tricks on me. I see things out of the corner of my eyes. Like I though out in the distance there was a person standing by a tree but when I glance again there was no one. Then when I driving I thought I saw a car but then I looked again there was no one there. My mind just pictures it and it drives me crazy which makes me become stressed and more of these happen. So then I think something dumb (well you know) like what if I am high? I know I'm not, but when you have a stress induced head ache and were seeing something at a glance that weren't there and are not felling good the thought enter my mind. And even though I know I am not or ever was I punish myself think that I was high(even though I was not). But the freaking worst thing about it is that then while not feeling good or am just out of it I come up with really y good ideas about stuff and keep having songs come up in my head. This only happens when I get like this. Maybe it's just my mind trying to get my mind out it and that since everything is out of my mind and I am thinking about northing and it just happens. But supposedly getting high "opens your mind" and has similar things like this which makes me think again that I am high (even though I know I'm not). It's probably just an annoying coincidence. But because I think I was high (even though I wasn’t and never will be) I will never use those ideas ever and will try to wipe them out of my memory (I will not be like the Rolling Stones dam nit!). Knowing that true ideas come from smart ideas were people aren’t high.

Which leaves me to more problems like today I used way too much hand sanitizer (OCD duh). But because I used so much on my hands I got a huge headache and didn't feel good (I also felt relay upset because I thought I was high which I don't think I was). But after getting some ice cram and chocolate ( a drumstick) I felt a lot better and really good. (But I don't know if it was because it was chocolate (hello endorphins)or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything all day (I ate breakfast but not lunch and it was 2:30 (but my breakfast was only one bowl of cereal)) or maybe it was something else. I am now really upset and depressed cause I don't know what to do. Hell, I don't even know what high is (or feels like or anything) I mean its not like I was doing anything harmful with it. I just I can come to the grips with what happened. I am so confused and tired/frustrated. Of course I have a video project to do tomorrow. Hopefully I don't come up with any new ideas for it cause I won't use them.

Who ever took the time to tread this I say thanks for caring. Hope your day has went better than mine.

I have now been expressing my thoughts for about an hour so I'm going to stop now. I need some rest to stop my now headache from my horrible report card. More on that to come.