Right now, I feel like a complete disappointment to everyone. Things were going well for a while, but hey – that never lasts, does it?
As you may already know, I'm a first year attending university in a city four hours away from my hometown. Why did I pick this place? Because the idea of being four hours from home scared the hell out of me.
I'm living in residence, on campus, this year. Next year, though… most students decide to find a place to stay off campus. And I was going to, but..
I was going to live in a townhouse with a friend of mine, and two of his other friends, but that didn't work out. I'd have to move in in May. I hadn't planned on really moving out yet. I planned to live with my parents this summer, and work in my hometown. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that if I planned to live in the town house. So that's just not going to work. And that's depressing. I really wanted to live there. I don't like living in residence, on campus.
Some people in my program at university decided we should all go to a club this Friday. Just for fun, you know? Get everybody together. I had planned to go, but now I can't. It's a long story, kind of. I had told a friend of mine that I was going to go, so she booked the time off work so she could go too. And now that I've canceled she's angry.
I forgot how awful it feels to have a friend angry with you.
But I don't regret canceling. I didn't want to go anyway. Lately… I just don't feel like drinking and going out.
I've been feeling really sick lately. And I've been getting awful headaches and nausea, etc. So I went to the university doctor, and she said I've got migraines. It makes sense; it runs in my dad's side of the family. But it's still a bitch.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I push my friends away. I don't want to go out and have fun. I sit in my room and watch shows and movies and read any book I can get my hands on. I'm spending my life watching others live theirs.
I had to give a presentation today in my Human Rights tutorial. It was pretty bad. My face felt like it was on fire. That's my biggest problem with presenting in front of people. I can control my voice so I sound calm. I can stop my hands from shaking. But I cannot stop myself from turning redder than red when I'm speaking in front of people.
Lately, I've been really thinking about my childhood, and how screwed up it was. I'm starting to resent my parents just a little. Well – maybe resent isn't the right word. But it's painful… I wonder why they didn't get me to a therapist earlier. Why was I the one who said "Look, I need help."
They knew I cut myself. They saw the cuts when I'd push up my sleeves to wash my hands. They'd ask, and I'd dismiss it with an excuse we all knew was a lie. "Oh, Rachel's cat scratched me." or something ridiculous like that. Why the hell did they ignore it? I know it's easy to ignore things that may be too painful to deal with, but… by ignoring it, they failed me.
I might not have had to go through this alone, the way I did.
I'm trying so hard to get past it all, but sometimes I just can't help it. Why didn't they help me? Did they really think that if they ignored it, it would go away?
I'm losing sight of who I am. My friends have noticed the change in me. They want to know what's wrong. They want to know why I'm pushing them away.
It's not something I do on purpose. It's just easier to be alone. You don't have to fake a smile.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. It just helps to let these thoughts out of my head.
I miss a lot of classes. At least one a week. I suppose you don't notice it as much now, because most university students skip class a lot. But I've always missed a lot of classes.
I skipped my Law class this morning. I got up, showered, got dressed and did my hair and makeup… and then decided I didn't want to go. So I went back to bed.
Today was just one of those days. Some days are just harder than others.
I want a normal life. I want to date and party and be like every other teenage girl. I'm so tired of being alone.
I want to say 'yes' to my friend and live in the town house. It scares the life out of me, so I know I should do it. I would be okay. I would get a job here. My family could come visit me. I would live here, and I would be okay.
It's just.. I'm so afraid of it. I've always latched on to my mother when things got too scary. I miss my family so much… but at the same time, I know it would drive me crazy if I spent the four months living at home.
I don't know what to do.
If I got a full time job, I could do it. I could start over in this town. Nobody would know about my past.
As close as I am to my roommates, I haven't told any of them a thing about this part of my past.
What scares me the most is that my parents tell me, "You make the choice, and then you live with it."
I don't want to think about this right now.
I know this is incredibly long, but getting everything out makes me feel better, if only just a little.
And now that I've had a good cry, I've calmed down a little.
I don't like my life in my hometown. I don't really have many friends left there.
Maybe moving to Ottawa for the summer would be a good idea. A fresh start and all that.
I don't know.