So, it seems everytime I say I am doing better, things take a turn. Like everytime I say the words, I might as well prepare myself for a big ass fall right around the corner. Damnit!!! This sucks. Things have been going so well lately. I mean, not perfect, but for a person with severe OCD, pretty damn satisfactory. Until this evening…On the way to have dinner out with my hubby and son, one of the worst bad thought attacks ever hit me. And I felt like I had been stun gunned. I tried so mightily to just let it flow through my brain waves and not take a second look…but that freaking OCD bully has regained strength again and he snapped forward and kept the thought with me and built upon it more and more. I was having the thought process, I was seeing my thought pictures, but I felt I had no control to stop it, like I was tied to a chair forced to watch a movie screen. It was awful and literally left me frozen as an ice cube in my car seat. My husband kept talking not knowing the horror that had been unleashed in my head. It wasn't until in the restaurant, preparing to order that he noticed something off with me. I explained I had just had a really bad moment and was now trying to just get out of it. It amazes me everyday how much folks like me can pull off regular life, even though inside we feel like we are in hell. To make it worse, the thoughts were about my son and it horrified me. I hate even writing that here. I am always so fearful about talking about my thoughts. I don't want them, but they still remain. I fear so much losing my son and feel like I could cry right now just writing this. He is my world…sometimes this horrible disorder distances me from him and I hate that. I fight it everyday, because as I said many months ago in a post, I am not going to let my OCD rule my relationship with my son. But damnit, I still feel the pain that bully unleashes on me. I feel the surge of anxious fright race through my whole body. I hate this and I feel so scared of losing my son…I am so scared now…and now I am freaking crying…damnit!!! So sorry for this rambling blog, but I need to get it out…this was one of my bad thought attacks getting to me…