Living with OCD was never supposed to be easy. Life in general tended to be a pain in the ass, so living with this kind of mental disorder was like switching to hero mode at the end of skyward sword. It’s ten times more difficult and I would have been perfectly fine playing the regular mode.
But like is not a videogame, especially one as epic as the legend of Zelda. You can’t decide when to play and when not to, and you can’t restart after a game over. Just because it’s shiny doesn’t mean you have to have it, especially when it’s that razor blade on the nightstand.
I’m not entirely sure why I keep making Zelda references, but since that was pretty much all I did Christmas break, it’s to be expected that the memory tends to linger.
I feel like I’ve just crossed the line and can’t find my way back over it. The OCD didn’t just all of a sudden become life ruining. It went slowly, creeping up on me like the evil little bastard it is, like those stupid hands that drop from the ceiling in the forest temple in ocarina of time. I didn’t see it until it was too late, sucking the life out of me and terrifying me to no end.
It’s that tense moment in life when you realize that you’re never going to get back your normal. And even if you do, I always feel as though it’s only going to be shadow of what I had. Like in majora’s masks, I feel like no matter how I hide it, or push it away, deep down I know it’s there, behind the mask, and no matter how far I may get in therapy, or how many meds I’m prescribed, that OCD was always going to be a part of me, and to others, my identity. It would be all they could see, that girl with the OCD.
I often feel like the moment when you step into a mini boss’s dungeon. The door behind you shuts, there’s that tense moment of knowing there’s no way out, and you’re trembling on the edge of what horror you’re about to face. And you know that until you beat it, you can’t get back through that door. You can’t move on in that dungeon until you beat that mini boss. And I can’t seem to beat him.
Sure some things get easier. Just like link goes through all his new weapons and potions and items I’m getting my own assistance through therapy and medication, and it helps, but there are those moments in the game, and in life, where no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to beat it. At the end of the day, despite saving my progress, I go to bed thinking it was all for nothing. Tomorrow I have to start again, I have to try harder. Everyone’s expecting me to win.
People may help, and other characters may pop up in the story, but at the end, it’s you facing down the final boss monster, and it’s you who has to save the world, or fight OCD, and at this point in the game, I honestly don’t know which is easier, but based on my experience, I’d rather be saving the world.
In Zelda, monsters keep coming, levels get harder, and no matter how hard you try you know there will be times that you’ll fail. Game over will cross the screen, and it’ll ask if you want to continue. So much of the time I don’t want to.
Lately, I’ve been failing a lot, and I can’t just start all over, or quit. I have a goal, a challenge, and challenges were made to be overcome. There are days where I feel like I’m pulling the master sword out of its pedestal for the first time, and then there are the days where I just can’t seem to jump and land on a solid surface. And although this analogy might be getting old, it does serve its purpose.
I’m not entirely sure what the point of all this is, but I do know that no matter how hard the struggle may be when facing down a monster in Zelda, beating it, and knowing you accomplished that is worth something. Beating the game and watching those ending credit role is worth sitting through, because you know that you overcame those obstacles, defeated those challenges, and accomplished what you set out to do. It may be hard, it may be grueling, and there may be days where you literally want to throw the damn console out the freaking window, but at the end of day, knowing you overcame it, it is worth it.
So for everyone out there struggling with OCD, the Final Boss Battle, never give up. You are worth so much more than you think. Everything you are to the world is worth something, and you all deserve to be happy and free of your OCD. You all deserve your own victory, and I hope each and every one of you get it.
Thank you….
Nice post, first thing I want to say is it’s great that your’ OCD hasn’t stopped you enjoying Zelda, it may seem like a small thing compared with dealing with OCD but it’s the small things that let you escape from the anxiety and obsessions and that make all the difference when your having a rough time. I can definitely relate to how overwhelming OCD can be and how you may feel you will somehow never be quite the person you where before it. The way I say it is that “OCD has tainted me” it’s a horrible thing to say but it’s how I feel sometimes. Your post did make me smile though and remember how much I enjoyed video games in the past, makes me want brush the dust off Final Fantasy 7 and give it another go =)
That was beautifully written my half Italian friend!!!
OMG ZELDA YES
Well said!