I'm so glad i've found this new web home… I've made the most incredible new friend. He is kind, caring, encouraging, trying with me to be spontaneous (here's to san diego very very soon!!!) He is wonderful, and I am so incredibly thankfull that i've found him.

However I still do worry, I worry that i'll mess things up, that i'll move too quickly, that i'll get too attached, that I wont be good for him, and that in turn that wont be good for me.. I want us both to be able to feel better, to be happy, and right now, we can make each other happy, with kind words, and honest thoughts. But I complicate things. I make things harder than they have to be, and physical distance does not make things easier.

I honestly didn't want to go to work today. I am on a final warning for my attendance (that becomes official and in writing tomorrow) and I was running late. I slept so well after talking to my new friend and though, "well, it's possible that this will get me fired, should i just say fuck it and start driving towards oregon?" I felt crazy, and wreckless, and spontaneous, and thinking like that is so not like me, well, not like me anymore, it used to be.

I almost wish i had done it. it would have been a new begining, a chance to start fresh, and make a change that i feel has the potential to be very positive

But after all that positivity, I've made a choice that could be bad for me… My ex was out of town visiting his son, and I want to tell him everything about my weekend (especially about my new friend!) and I want to hear everything about his, and how his son is doing, so, I ventured up towards his place, and that's where i sit, alone in his bed, waiting for him to get home, knowing i'll have to sleep on the couch tonight, knowing he'd probably rather be with his new girl. I dont know if i want to make up any more, but i still do love him desperately. I'm already tempted to start looking at his phone as soon as he goes to sleep, find out what he's saying when he's talking with her, find out if she still thinks she's pregnant, if he says he loves her. Perhaps i just want to be able to leave on my terms instead of his? would it be different had i found someone new first? had i met my new friend a few months ago, would this not hurt so much? had i found this community, would he see that as the positive change that he thinks i'm lacking?

So here i sit, contradicted, alone, fulfilled, scared, hopefull, excited, nervous, worried and just wanting more than anything to give my new friend a real hug.

Please dont let me fuck this up…

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