What the heck is this?
It's 4:50 AM. I have not yet went to sleep. I cannot go to sleep. I do not know why. Well, I partly know why. I think.
Today, I made my stomach hurt. I know it was me. I stressed it out with my thoughts and it shut down. It always does this when I stress my self out.
Some people say the binge, some people say the eat more, but my stomach right now and my throat hurt.
Today started off normal. I didn't do much. I had planned to put clothes in the laundry as hydro is considered 'off peak' hours, and I have many clothes I need to wash. I forgot to do it. I sorted out old photos on my computer, which actually took along time.
However, my boyfriend has been sick for awhile, and I woke up with a party sore throat and a pounding in my head.
I went from feeling normal to thinking again. I started thinking; "I'm sick. What if I get the flu?" Then the thought didn't leave.
After, my OCD kicked in triggered by the stress of the thought, it kicked in with something irrelevant and not related to the harm OCD which I normally have. But it's just as annoying.
The trigger of the OCD made me think about potential job prospects. Only once had I secretly suffered an OCD attack – I was at work, and hung over, and I stressed much the same as I did today, which trigger a weird OCD fear of peeing myself in public, causing me to tense my muscles in an effort to fight off the thought and run to the washroom every 5 minutes.
The constant leaving was too much of a distraction from a job which involved working and selling stuff to multiple people at one time. People assumed I was just sick from the hang-over (it was a work party and many other staff were ill), and I left and went home because it got to the point where I was actually walking funny.
Today, when I started worrying and obsessing if maybe I had the flu, it triggered that same sort of weird work thought. So, I distracted myself. By around 5:00 PM I started feeling depressed and hopeless. I began to worry about my life. I'm moving in with the boy soon, and I thought about how I don't yet have a job. How I feel like I failed the one that I still have promised to me once the season gets busy.(I've worked there for 3 years and there were some terrible issues in the summer regarding this place I had been employed at for years involving my co-workers which resulted in me losing most of the friends there and feeling quite isolated and scared.)
But that's not even my other concern. I just felt depressed. When I tried to go to bed; however, I quickly somehow changed my thought pattern from depressed/scared/hurt to optimistic. I began to obsess over this ginger bread party I'm having at my new place and how happy I am to be independent and have such a wonderful boyfriend. These 'happy thoughts' I believe maybe the reason I cannot sleep. I worked myself up into somehow turning very optimistic and I can't stop thinking or turning my brain off!
I'm trying to think what else could cause this reverse optimistic OCD feeling. I drank Vanilla coke before I went to bed. (In Canada, some of our stores purchase it from the States since they don't make it here.) But I've drank coke plenty before bed and was able to fall asleep. I also drank this cold medication (Neo Cetron), which is supposed to soothe your throat and help you sleep right before I went to bed…
Is it just my thoughts? So…I went from being totally depressed to being totally distracted-from-sleep optimistic.
What is this?
Wose yet, I'm typing this out on notepad because the OCD tribe is 'down for maintenance'.
The way I am right now, totally unable to sleep … it's not normal for me. I've been having trouble sleeping but tonight is totally absurd. Perhaps I've melted into a dream based on ginger bread houses or something while thinking it but wow. And my cold or illness hasn't gotten any better. I still feel some flu-like symptons. (Which isn't the result of my over-active imagination.)
I understand that it is very good to be happy. But now, even with those happy thoughts, I feel distressed that I never fell asleep. It's very annoying. I don't want to sleep now because I want to be able to sleep tomorrow~but what if this happens again?
Is this OCD? Is this my over-active mind? Am I having reaction to medication where I can't sleep? Does American Cola have something different in it than Canadian Cola or something? (Doubt this! :P)