My mood is anguished. That's what it is; anguished.
Isn't it enough that I miss my cat so much already?!!! Now I have to be tortured with these horrible images of her in my head. I want my baby! Why won't they go away? And how am I supposed to deal with them if not by distracting myself? Isn't it better to distract myself than to have these horrible pictures in my head?
Now the pictures are changing and going to my other cats, too. And to my family…. It's never been so bad before with the images. Why won't it stop?
I feel like I'm making myself have this problem, like I'm a character in one of my books. But why would I do that? I don't want to see this. I want to be happy. I want to hold my baby and feel right again. Not that everything was right when she was here, but I want…but what? I don't know! I want her! I need her. I look around for her and I suddenly see horrible pictures….
Why is this happening? I don't remember it ever happening to me like this before. Or do I? Maybe I was just making myself forget…. And now my kitty's not here anymore to counter the images.
Why should they be so upsetting? She's dead; obviously those things can't happen to her.
Then the images of my other kitties…. I don't believe they're going to become reality in any way, so why do they bother me so much? And how can apicture in my head–gruesome as it may be–bother me so much when the perfect reality is cuddled right here against my chest?
I'm in a prison wherever I go. My precious sunshine is dead in reality and…*shudder*, I can't even say it!–in my mind…. And if I try to focus on the good reality, here's my new sweet kitty cuddled with me, but in my mind I keep acting in violence against her….
And the more it bothers me the worse it gets. Why can't I make it not bother me? Maybe because I'm too aware of my compulsions being compulsions and what they really are now.
Aaaaaargh! Now my obsessions are leading to others that are completely unrelated. Things I don't want to see, all of them! I'm going to stop writing now. Maybe I'm just encouraging them….