I thought I would drop in since I havn't updated in a while. I've gotten worse since I've been on here a few months ago. We're not even sure if it's the OCD anymore. Let's see, right now my psychiatrist and therapist have me swimming around in Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disoder, and Massive Depressive Disorder. So I'm really just floating around in a sea of guesses and no one really knows what the fuck is wrong with me…aside from my pre-existing problem of OCD.
My life has twisted and turned and dipped down into levels I never thought it would. Part of how I am right now, (probably a big part of why I am how I am right now), is due to external causes. Both of my younger brothers are debilitated from their OCD and Depression and are in their mid-twenties. One of them is suicidal.
My marraige….is rocky. I hate and love my husband at the same time. My psychiatrist tells me this is a very strong characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder. He's just so demeaning, judgmental and critical of me and he doesn't seem to change no matter what I tell him.
Then there's my own personal professional growth…or stunted growth. I'm going to be 29 in June and I am NO WHERE near where I want to be. I was not supposed to be this mess of a person at this age. I have no job aside from adjuncting here and there and that reality chews away at my existence daily. It consumes my thoughts every day.
I am at the point where I don't know what to do with myself…I don't what who myself is…I don't know where to point myself or what to say to myself. Iam lost in the most literal respect and I have no idea how I will ever be found or if I ever will be.
My life sounds very similar to yours. Im going to be 29 too and have nearly nothing in my life and are completely in need of others… Also I dont know how I should survive and get, what I would call a good life. My relationship is complicated at the time too. "Rocky" is a good word for it. How you describe your relation to your partner, it sounds like mine to my fiancé to me most of the time actually. Many years before OCD I was diagnosed as a borderline personality or being bipolar. I would call myself hypersensitive. Sorry that I cant tell you something good or hopefull. Just want to say, that your not alone.
Maybe a second opinion outside of that medical group would be helpful. You can call your insurance and see they have a list of doctors. We had to do that when my daughter had medical issues and they kept changing their diagnosis in the meantime she was pretty sick. They allowed us to consult with an outside doctor (that was covered) however treatment had to go through orignial doctor (we had an HMO). Of course you feel the way you do but once they determine whats actually the proper diagnosis then treatment can be started. I hope your parents (family) are helping to stand with you during this process or friends, that helped me when i was very sad although i still was sad of course because my daughter was going through tough times with her illness (even medical stuff sometimes takes forever to figure out for some, its frustrating but life). Hang in there answers will come just be proactive. TC (((hugs))) ab