I thought I would drop in since I havn't updated in a while. I've gotten worse since I've been on here a few months ago. We're not even sure if it's the OCD anymore. Let's see, right now my psychiatrist and therapist have me swimming around in Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disoder, and Massive Depressive Disorder. So I'm really just floating around in a sea of guesses and no one really knows what the fuck is wrong with me…aside from my pre-existing problem of OCD.
My life has twisted and turned and dipped down into levels I never thought it would. Part of how I am right now, (probably a big part of why I am how I am right now), is due to external causes. Both of my younger brothers are debilitated from their OCD and Depression and are in their mid-twenties. One of them is suicidal.
My marraige….is rocky. I hate and love my husband at the same time. My psychiatrist tells me this is a very strong characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder. He's just so demeaning, judgmental and critical of me and he doesn't seem to change no matter what I tell him.
Then there's my own personal professional growth…or stunted growth. I'm going to be 29 in June and I am NO WHERE near where I want to be. I was not supposed to be this mess of a person at this age. I have no job aside from adjuncting here and there and that reality chews away at my existence daily. It consumes my thoughts every day.
I am at the point where I don't know what to do with myself…I don't what who myself is…I don't know where to point myself or what to say to myself. Iam lost in the most literal respect and I have no idea how I will ever be found or if I ever will be.