Can I be more trapped??  Everywhere I go, everything I do, every moment I'm not at home I count the time down till I can go home, but I fucking hate being home.  Everytime I'm home I constantly think (obsess) about what the fuck to do.  It's ironic, however, that I have many interests and hobbies yet hate them all.  For bird watching to watching people beat the shit outta each other in the UFC, from photography to anarchy, from supporting the Green Party and saving the world to riding dirt bikes and destroying whatever's in my path and from helping the elderly cross the street to driving 150 kms per hour in a school zone, I love it all, but hate it more. 

Sure, I could find many things to do at home, but I still cannot gain any enjoyment or relief.  And so I go crazy and then realize "I gotta get out!"  So I go.  But what ever I do, and whoever I hangout with it does not matter… I just wanna get back home!  For what I do not know! 

So what the fuck is left in life??  Sure, I just reduced life into two things I hate: being home, and not being home… nonetheless I feel justified in my hate, thus I cry and sleep, and sleep and cry.  I feel so trapped, and what's worse? I"ve felt this way for years yet I cannot kill my damn self.  I don't have the balls.  I'm too much of a pussy to live, and too much of a pussy to die… and so I sit and all I can do is hate.  And breath.  Yes I breath, I use mindfulness to breath and live and get through moments like this.  But i hate it, if I"m honest.  I cannot think that if I"m truely trying to be mindfull… but honestly, I'm sick of it.  And ya know what else??

I hate this fucking computer.

2 Comments
  1. sammyd 12 years ago

    Hey, i have a plan for you. do you work out? Wel i say get a punching bag and beat the shit outta it. That might get some of your rage out, it works.

    I hope you feel better. You can talk with me whenever ya want.

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  2. thewillow 12 years ago

     *hugs you*

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