Subject: Bounced check!

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>> This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old

>> woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published
>> in the New York Times. It is a little long but a great
read…..will put
>> smiles on your face.
>>
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>>
>> Dear Sir:
>>
>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>> endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
>>
>> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
>> presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed
>>to honor it.
>>
>> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
>> pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
>> eight years.
>>
>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
>> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
>> inconvenience caused to your bank.
>>
>> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls
and
>> letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
>> impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
>> bank has become.
>>
>> From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
>> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer
>> be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
>> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
>> must nominate.
>>
>> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application
>> Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
>>
>> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much
>> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
>> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
>> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her
>> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be
>> accompanied by documented proof.
>>
>> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with
a
>> PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that
>> it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the
>> number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on
>> your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of
>> flattery.
>>
>>
>> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me,
press
>> buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON
>> FOR ENGLISH!
>>
>> #1. To make an appointment to see me
>>
>>
>> #2. To query a missing payment.
>>
>>
>> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>>
>>
>> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>>
>>
>> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
>>
>>
>> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
>>
>>
>> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later
>> date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
>>
>>
>> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
>>
>>
>> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be
>> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>>
>>
>> # 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
>>
>> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise
>> will play for the duration of the call.
>>
>> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>>
>> Your Humble Client
>>
>> (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)