I’m not even sure how to begin this,  or how to even really put it into words. When I’m upset or in a mood, I am able to say what I want and talking about stuff that has happened to me is kinda easy.  Then that day happened.  Everything turned from bad to the middle of hell bad.

DEAR DIARY

I will idk, try going in order of how my life has gone.  I had I guess a good life, maybe even a storybook life.  Things I took for granted, I just accepted as normal and common like a bed, food, warm showers and bubble baths, clothing, cell phone, friends, church, my mom’s love and god’s love. I was comfortable and safe.  I wasn’t one of the pretty girls, but I wasn’t make me vomit ugly, just average on a good day.  I had my friends, all from church.  I was friendly with pretty much everyone, had no drama with anyone, school was fun. Life was fun.  My 9th grade was pretty cool, in high school. Football and basketball games, dances, fun classes. Boys were like, yeah whateverz, not important.  Then after Christmas, a few families from church were having a big bbq lunch thing.  Mom let me buy a new dress, omg I loved it. Soft blue floral print, mid calf, so fine for this and church too, not sexy or skanky, nothing like that, just nice.  There were people from the Stake, many I didn’t know but I had my friends and we hung out, had fun.

I’m just chillin, talking, being me when this guy isn’t looking and walks into me spilling his plate of food all down my new dress.  RUINED.  I hated him, he embarrassed me and ruined my new dress that I bought with baby sitting money. All those hours watching kids and nothing to show for it. Found out he was going to my school, he was 11th grade.  I’m glad I didn’t know him, didn’t want to even get to know him.  A clumsy stupid jerk like that. Creep even laughed.

It was probably like late January at school I see him. Lucky I was able to duck into a room and hide.  Later, my friend tells me that he has been asking about me.  I’m like why, so he can embarrass me again? dump food on me, tell him to drop dead.  Valentine’s day, I get a bunch of flowers at home along with a gift card to Macy’s.  He wrote the sweetest note saying how sorry he was and he has been trying and trying to tell me and give me this card so I could replace my dress.  I immediately felt stupid and petty and mean.  We started talking the next day and kinda, idk, started sorta dating, even though my mom said I wasn’t allowed to date. We just hung out, talked, stuff like that.  Did church events all the time and i guess I just sorta fell in love.  And that was when life had meaning, everything made sense, I was so happy.  Even though we weren’t officially dating, we sorta were.  It was weird cuz he had girls that liked him and always wanted to talk to him, but he liked me.  No guy liked me, why would he want me.   Then we get to summer, we had talked about getting married,  after he got back from his mission, we would both be in college, and then, get married or wait until after we graduate, but I was going to be his wife.

We would hang out at his place or mine, cuz our parents worked so we had time to be alone and really get to know each other.   Life was perfect, church, god, life, love and everything made sense.

More a bit later.

I guess later is now.  Even though we couldn’t officially date, we hung out, sat in church together, did lots of things then summer came.  My mom was out of town for awhile and I was left alone, friends and family would check in, but my first time being alone.  He would come over and we would kiss and stuff and talk and read the bible and book of mormon and just talk.  We never did sex stuff.  One of the days, he shows me on his fone a sex vid someone sent him. That was the first time I ever saw a guy naked.  So we looked up stuff on the computer and watched porn stuff and learned about sexting.  We did lots of sexting, sending pics back and forth to each other and on skype.  A couple of times I tried doing blow jobs and it was ok, but I could tell he liked it and that was important to me.  But I was always serious that no sex until we get married.  He agreed.

In Nov of this year, he decides to show a friend the pics.  He made a stupid smart ass comment and my b/f freaked.  He started showing everyone and how I was ruining his life.  My friends stopped talking to me and I started getting beat up at school from my b/f’s team mates, their girl friends and friends and stuff.  He goes to church and shows people there and the bishop.  The bishop calls me in and tells me I’m bad and evil, trying to ruin a fine young man’s life by tempting him.  Then he tells me I should leave the church and never come back.  He then calls my mom and has her come in.  He shows her the vids and pics and now she hates me.  When she gets home, she calls me a bunch of names, beats me up and kicks me out of the house.  Called me a worthless slut and never come back.

That is how I went from future missionary’s wife to prostitute.  There aren’t many ways for a 16 year old to get enough money to live on.

But I keep hoping I will have a happy ending, but I think the happy ending will happen when I die.