This past summer I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve lost my best friend of 10 years (half my life) all because I was her boss this summer.  I’m emotionally unstable to begin with, but not having my best friend is hard. For my whole life I’ve been unstable. It seems to come and go in spells though. I cry at the drop of a hate lately. It just comes from no where and lasts forever. In my life I’ve cut myself, done drugs, and been raped. In that order oddly enough. I never told my parents of any of the above. I’ve always hated the way I look. Did I mention I had Bell’s Palsy? That didn’t help my hatred for myself at all. The odd thing is I have a great boyfriend, decent parents and a few good friends. I always want more though. I want closer friends and a great body. I’ve been to counseling a few times. After I was raped. It’s just hard to explain to someone that I was way beyond help before I ever got raped. I know I need help. Sometimes I do get the motivation to go and I feel better knowing I need to go and I get so close to going….but I always end up not going. Then I get caught in my cycle of self hatred and pitty. I don’t want to push any more people away. I don’t want to talk to my boyfriend because I’m afraid he will leave me. He loves the way I look and wishes I could see that. I do know he loves teh I look, but I don’t love the way I look. I wish I loved the way I look. I would give anything for an ounce of self esteem. I envy people who are confident. I exercse and diet and I never get skinny. Then I get upset and eat and then I throw up…Only I don’t do the last part so much any more…acid reflux and cavities still leave me imperfect. I want to be perfect. I try so hard to be perfect even though I know no one is. I work so hard in school, it leaves little time for friends. Then this makes me anxious. I’m always either one extreme or the other. Never in the middle. Which would be perfect…I can never be perfect.

1 Comment
  1. beautiful_loser 14 years ago

    I work at a summer camp. The first summer I was there I felt so good about myself because I never looked in the mirror. So I quit looking in the mirror…that helped for about 2 years. Now I can just feel how disgusting I am. Almost everytime I breathe I feel like I’m getting fatter. When I sit down I feel like my face and neck are growing. I hate taking showers because I have to be naked. When my boyfriend and I are having sex I hate taking off my shirt. I know it bothers him…but I just can’t help it. I’ve always felt like this…

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