Sitting here alone feeling defeated. I did everything wrong today and gave in to all my anxieties, depression, addiction and ocd SELF HATE . I drank, drugged, picked & tore and feeling complete shame and disgust with myself. I run my hand across my other arm and just want to disappear. My skin is so dry and rough. I can feel the smallest blemish and imperfection. I feel my ear lobe and the disfigurement I have created. The scabbing of blood is just another invite to tear at my skin until I feel the pain. Blood running down my fingers means nothing to me. I have to keep going until I feel the pain and the rush it gives me. So soothing. so calming. so good….. But with everything good in my life comes something bad.. the shame I now feel. I did it again. Had another drink of my sprite and vodka because it helps to numb me. Im broke. I hide it. Im suppose to go buy things for my daughters birthday dinner. I might have 10$ after that if Im lucky. The electric bill is so past due, its about 900$ or more now. I used care credit 2 times the past 2 months. Once for my cat and once for my son. I have to make that payment friday or be charged crazy interest rate. 25% The IRS said I can pay 50$ a month for taxes due, but that starts tomorrow. Im such a wreck in every way. I just want to make everybody happy and feel like a normal family. I didnt have that. Its very important for me to make things better for my kids. Im a fake I guess. I hate phony people. At least here I can be my absolute self. Balls to the wall, just me!
Related Articles
-
First blog any reply welcome.
dorothygale20, , Depression, Career, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Medication, Self Esteem, Sexual Abuse, Weight Loss, 1
I have suffered depression and various eating disorders since i was 14.I was sexually abused by a peadophile and...
-
Sex and the City and Road Rage on a Sunday
vainglorious615, , Depression, Anger, Relationships, Schizophrenia, Sex Therapy, Weight Loss, 0
I don't like that I can't type in an "other" mood…so my current mood is "distracted." I'm trying to...
-
I can't do this anymore
Donnie_Brasco_9, , OCD, Anxiety, Career, Child, Depression, OCD, Therapist, Therapy, 3
I am not sure how I made it through work today. I have been feeling very down for a...
-
Robin Williams
JaZz, , Depression, Addiction, Career, Child, Depression, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Grief, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, Medication, Suicide, Weight Loss, 0
Hi All, I have no idea if there is a better place to post this notice but I...
-
Firsts
jenn_lynne, , Anxiety, Addiction, Career, Sleep Disorders, 0
1. Who was your first prom date? never went2. Who was your first roommate? never had one 3. What...
-
No one to understand
DiAngelo, , Depression, LGBT, Therapy, 6
I don’t know where to start. I just feel so alone here. I’ll tell this to my friends and...
-
Peace and Light
sadviolinist, , Depression, Anger, Depression, Grief, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Sexual Abuse, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 1
Okay, I think I'm over my little snit about my diagnosis now. At first when I read it I...
-
Fighting the relapse
WildGlitterFairy, , OCD, Anxiety, Child, Medication, OCD, Therapy, 0
Hi all , Been a long time since I have been here and I have faced a lot since...
0 Comments