Sitting here alone feeling defeated. I did everything wrong today and gave in to all my anxieties, depression, addiction and ocd SELF HATE . I drank, drugged, picked & tore and feeling complete shame and disgust with myself. I run my hand across my other arm and just want to disappear. My skin is so dry and rough. I can feel the smallest blemish and imperfection. I feel my ear lobe and the disfigurement I have created. The scabbing of blood is just another invite to tear at my skin until I feel the pain. Blood running down my fingers means nothing to me. I have to keep going until I feel the pain and the rush it gives me. So soothing. so calming. so good….. But with everything good in my life comes something bad.. the shame I now feel. I did it again. Had another drink of my sprite and vodka because it helps to numb me. Im broke. I hide it. Im suppose to go buy things for my daughters birthday dinner. I might have 10$ after that if Im lucky. The electric bill is so past due, its about 900$ or more now. I used care credit 2 times the past 2 months. Once for my cat and once for my son. I have to make that payment friday or be charged crazy interest rate. 25% The IRS said I can pay 50$ a month for taxes due, but that starts tomorrow. Im such a wreck in every way. I just want to make everybody happy and feel like a normal family. I didnt have that. Its very important for me to make things better for my kids. Im a fake I guess. I hate phony people. At least here I can be my absolute self. Balls to the wall, just me!