I hate having low self esteem days, although I suppose there wouldn't be many people who would actually like them, but still. You know the sort I'm sure, for some of you these days might be every day, for others they are few and far between, and the rest of us fit in the middle somewhere. Me? I lean towards the latter more. Yes I get sad and often its about myself but its normally about things that have happened or just a general inexplicable feeling of depression rather than self disgust, which is how I feel today. I used to feel like this all the time but I've forgotten how horrid it is. It used to be appearance orientated, but It's just me now, not me the physical self, me the REAL self. Do you know the way there is the "you" everyone sees and then there is the "you" inside your own head? The real you? Well I get down about the real me now more often than the me people see. Sometimes its because the real me doesnt live up to what people think of me, other times its because people have preconceptions of the real me that just aren't true which offend me, and I wonder why I come across that way. But more often now its because I just feel like a stranger in my own house, my own family, my own work place, my school, even with my friends. It takes me serious concentration to make myself believe it is all real sometimes, and I wonder if people are really talking to me. I feel left out even if I am included. I see other people go about their lives and wonder if they have to tell themselves that they are really talking to the people they are talking to. Do you ever do things sometimes, speak to people, or do things, just automatically, like everyday things, and then wonder "did I just do that?" I dont mean like "where did I put my keys?" or "What did I come into this room for?" stuff, its more like when you turn your head and wonder how you could do that, or sign a form and then wonder what you just did because you weren't concentrating on… well anything I suppose. The point is that sometimes I just don't feel real in this world, I don't feel corporial or tangible, and I feel like people can ignore my existence just as easily as they would a ghosts, because I can hardly even grasp my own existence so why would anyone else??

Okay, so this is all a little confusing, believe me I muddle myself up. I just wonder if anyone else has ever felt similar, or has any tricks to get them out of a 'numb' ghost like state?


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