I’ve been avoiding being on here as I’d hate to burden others with my situations. Work has been steady however so have financial demands. I barely make ends meet. I often have to borrow from my grandparents who have no money. And they don’t even know the whole story and they can’t if I told them I fell for a transgender they couldn’t even see me as their grandson. Let alone if they learned I’m pan-sexual.  The fact is I feel no shame about it however my family would. I’ve been lying so long to them this lie of what she was doesn’t bother me. They won’t accept me. If my mom was alive she wouldn’t care.  The money though I can’t work more mentally I can hardly handle my job.  For the past few weeks I thought so often I should just die. My beliefs and the deities around me keep me from it and scold me when I say so. The pain when a bill comes through and I can’t pay it on my own. When I have to gamble or go through asking help from my grandmother. Dying would be less painful. I even asked when grams said she got me something if it was a knife for me to slit my throat with. And then to face each bill after another knowing I can’t pay it. I think beyond that I feel like I’ve lost my love energy since she destroyed my life. I feel alone. Thanks to my beliefs I know I’m not. However spirits, deities and beings from other planes of existence can’t fully replace a person in real life desiring you. A person wanting to see you to be with you to hold you. Be it carnal, be it emotional, be it deep or shallow. I find it hard to function to focus…without love it’s like I’m not me. Every day I’m a nervous wreck a broken spirit. I find myself thinking of those I’ve loved before. Female, male and inanimate object. I try to keep myself together. But day in day out I find it hard to keep from crying. From ending it. From having a reason to not end it. The reality of where I stand right now is I pan-sexual who stands alone with no idea where my financial stability will come from and day in day out is a fight to not wanna throw myself off a bridge by a noose. I know this isn’t the end. Not yet. However I wish it was. An end to my debt, an end to my loneliness or an end to my life. Some answer to my pain.  Because as of this moment. There are 1,000 answers to my prayers and I feel as if none are coming to pass and it is very disheartening.