I hope there isn't a limit on how much or often one can blog without a blog policman showing up. LOL  I am really triggered right now.

I wanted to add something to previous blog…anyway  I know in the past my health was the focus of my anxiety..but my current struggle is not about anxiety, but  physical problems that are showing up on the tests, but does not yet have a name. 

I had an early sexual abuse history, and I know I was terrified, and remember at 3 years old curling up on my bed with a knot in my stomach, and no one to go to for comfort..mom was not safe emotionally.   My whole life I blamed this little one for being  too high maintenance, if she wasnt so terrified I could do more , connect more etc.  I have the willingness to try to heal my relationship with that young part of me I blamed my whole life, and at times still do.  Hence the wall paper on my site, that I was not going to put up even though I loved it, because it was too weird, people wouldn't understand it etc.  But I was working on the site and somehow that is the wallpaper that appeared. My  experience is I have alot of internal parts that i need to get to know and support…its not about Sybill  or multiple personality. I think this young one out voted me.  (good for her) She reminds me daily of the innocence, vulnerbilty, sadness and terror of a time long gone, but still lives in me today when a trigger is powerful enough.  I don't want to live in the past, but I need to make peace with it again and again and the terror I am feeling is very much in the now.

Because of the months of medical test (test reveal a high level of imflammatory process in my body but they don't know why) and feeling so sick and exhausted that work is really hard, some of that terror is back.

I am already feeling shame about this blog…and i am always worried about what others think..but i am going o try not to worry about that now.