Today started out as a good day. I was content if not happy. The weekend had went well. My husband and I had went to marriage counseling and it went well.

This morning my sister texted with a question. She needed my new address. I gave it to her and tried to ask her how she and her family are. Apparently she is still mad at me for not being nicer to our mom. It hurts a lot. Our mom is abusive and neglectful and I raised my sister. Now mom is paying attention to my sister because she wants her to guilt me into letting her back into my life. I know that someday my sister will come back to me but in the meantime it hurts.

Also I have this friend. We had planned to go to vegas together next week. I'd never done anything like that, just a girls trip. It was hard to arrange but I made it work. She ended up canceling because she has a relative coming home from active duty the first week of march. she wanted me to come with her for that. But the times are different and I cant swing it with all i have going on. I know she is very upset based on her reaction. She also believes I am being dumb to trust my husband one more time. She saw what he did to me the last time and is scared for me and wants me to divorce him. But he does seem to have changed this time and seems to be working hard at changing. I think she blames me not being able to go on him and thats not really the case. I just wish she knew how bad I do want to go and wish she knew how badly her reaction hurts me.

Times like this I have a hard time fighing my instincts. My instincts tell me that this is why I should never let anyone inside. This is why I should never get close to someone and never let them close to me.

I work so hard, soooo hard, to survive and to work on my self esteem and how I am feeling. Its so very frustrating that the people I have let in can affect me so negatively. What am I missing? Why does this seem to be so hard? I know that I am fragile and raw. Its been barely a month since I was in the clutches of my breakdown and nearly killed myself. But it just seems as though I am doing something wrong. Not understanding something. How do people have friends and families and relationships and not get hurt all of the time? Why cant I just not care that my friend doesnt believe me that my husband isnt keeping me from going? Why cant I not care that my abusive mom still finds ways to hurt me even though I no longer talk with her? Why cant I seem to protect myself? I know that I need to have relationships to be a happy healthy person someday. But it always seems to hurt me more than help me.

I am so tired. I've grown and changed and fought and survived so much in the last two years especially. I know from experience that if I stop, nobody will come to my rescue or assistance. Days like today I have a harder time remembering why I try and why I dont just quit. That scares me because I know that if I stop…….nobody cares enough to reach out to me. My kids depend on me never, ever quitting. Idk if I can keep from failing them.

Today I am going to do my best to pretend I am not hurting and that it doesnt hurt to breath. I am going to try to take care of myself and keep on keeping on. wish me luck

  1. Steph_jn 12 years ago

    this blog ended up not really being triggering.  sorry.  it ended up different than I had thought when I started.

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  2. Steph_jn 12 years ago

    I'm more than a little afraid to completely feel this.  I'm not nearly as strong as I look on the outside right now.  Many things have really beaten me down in recent years.  What if I am not strong enough to face the feelings and ride them out?  I was unable to do that just a couple months ago.  How do I know if I have what it takes now?

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