…gonna try and see if this one stays put, this time…i’m getting really tired of typing and accidentally erasing what i’ve written, lately.

“Life” has been a huge struggle, lately.  No, it’s really nothing new, per say, but at the same time, it feels more and more like i am going to simply give in to the urges.  i’ve felt even more desperate, lately, and have begun therapy, yet again.  i have also conveyed to my therapist the severity of what’s really going on and how much i loathe myself.   Of course, she has to check, each session.  i’ve been using food negatively, again–almost as a crutch?–but moreso, another way to hurt myself, without being so obvious.  i’ve spent all my available funds, and i also started selling items that have meant a LOT to me, for a long time, now.  But, that’s OK–just materialistic in nature.  i still have a few sentimental items, so i’ve not lost everything, yet. 

“Florence” definitely left her mark on the area, but people have also done a LOT of clean-up.   We have been blessed, though, since the hurricane’s impact didn’t affect us directly.  

i haven’t been to any meetings for myself–like Al Anon or Nar Anon, for more than a couple of months, now, but i still attend some meetings with my partner/boyfriend, every week or two.  i don’t know HOW MUCH they’re helping–if any–but, i have to do something….*sigh  So tired of carrying these loads…. (They’re leading to a lot more physical pain, again. 🙁  )

Since i really don’t know what’s going on with my grandson’s life, right now, i’ve not hopped on a bus and just shown up there.  i know his father has been in trouble–August was the last date i saw, so far, as far as new charges against him–again, drug-related.  *sigh  But, the “responsible” adult in the household has not been answering my texts or messages.

Just because i’ve “survived,” it doesn’t mean i’ve lived!!!  i am just me…nothing great nor newsworthy.  i am a simple, caring, sensitive woman who’s experienced some true nastiness from other people, as well as seen some true goodness.  Hope….  *sigh  Believe….i have to believe my life can improve and change at least some.  Otherwise, wth am i doing here, still living?????  especially when there are so many who have lost and continue to lose their lives????  This life seems like a waste, most of the time, so it NEEDS to change!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, i know some things are changing–daily.  But, at the same time, so much seems to remain unchanged.  i AM grateful my partner/bf has finally gotten a job, and i’m hoping that extra help will make a difference!!!

So much evil’s present in the world…every day.  *sigh  Does it ever get any easier or better????