This is the first time I have written a blog. I'm new to the tribe and have never really wrote anything down about how I feel. I think I have suffered from SA, depression, and GAD my entire life but have only recently put a name to the feelings. I'm so tired of feeling this way but I don't know how to change. I have a 16yr old son who I recently put into a rehab due to drug and emotional issues. I have so many mixed emotions. On the one hand I feel entirely guilty for his emotional problems. I look back on his life and think of all the things I should have done differently. Things I should have done to make his life more fulfilling. I feel like its my fault he is in the state that he is in. On the other hand, I get so angry with him. I know I tried so hard even though I was a young single mom (I was 19 when I had him). I sacrificed so much in my life for him and I don't think he really thinks that I did or appreciates anything I have done. It's never been enough. Last night I had to go to a weekly parent group for this rehab. There was an exercise she had the parents do. We had to pick 3 cards laid out with the emotions that we were currently feeling. After we all did that she then had us, one by one, go up to the front of the class and show what emotions we chose and explain why. I guess I don't have to tell you how upsetting that was for me. I was so nervous and upset that when it was my turn…I basically spoke as quickly as I could just to get it over with. And of course, I lost my train of thought and stumbled over my words. I could feel my face getting red and my hands were shaking. It was awful. Then we got to see my son for the first time in 3 weeks. He earned visitation but for only half an hour instead of the full hour because he had gotten in trouble during the week for sleeping in class. It was great to see him. He looked so good, so healthy. But it broke my heart when he started crying when he saw us. And of course, he doesn't think he needs to be there. He doesn't think he has a drug problem although he does admit to other emotional issues he has. I know this is the best place for him to be right now. But I am constantly feeling I have to defend myself not only to him, but also to his father (who has finally started to try and be a real dad for once in his life). I don't know. I'm just feeling lost and I wish I could just curl up into a ball and sleep forever. Sometimes I'm just so tired of lifes demands and what is expected of me when I feel I can barely handle anything. I'm glad I found this site. It's very comforting to know there are people out there who can understand what I am going through. Thanks for listening, I think I have rambled on long enough for now.

  1. thelifeofjade 14 years ago

    I hope that writing this helped release a little of what you are feeling. Have you ever gone to see a therapist/councelor? It can be very helpful/insightful. I am sorry that you feel torn over the feelings u have about your son. Know that kids don't come w/ instruction manuals and i'm sure you did the best you can. I come from a mother who had me at 20 and was battling chemical depression. She feels bad that she may have influenced the way i've turned out (anxiety/depression/ocd stricken). But at the end of the day….you can't take it back and i wouldn't have had any other mother but my own. I feel guilty if I were to have any kids of my own…I feel that I won't be able to be the best mom I could be cuz i'd be over protective, a worrier, depressed off and on and i'd be passing that along. (sorry for the tangent). I"m sure your son, if not right now because hes in his teenage angst years, will understand the sacrifices it takes to be a single mom and exspecially a mom w/ anxiety/depression. ((hug))

    Hang in there!! Try to focus on the good things in life…that you did the right thing getting him help. That you are learning to identify your own issues. Identification is the first step. Once u understand and realize that the way u feel isn't natural u can start to make steps towards therapy and self discovery. And you have joined a great site. We are all here no matter what the time zone to help 😉

    Write anytime. I hope you write more blogs and get all that bottled up stuff out.


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  2. avsgirl 14 years ago

    Thank you for your kind words and support. A few years ago I actually had started looking for a therapist cuz I knew I had issues but then I found one for my son and couldn't afford to do both so I put him in therapy first (over $800 and 8 months later he was worse than when he started), then finally last year around sept my son moved in with his father….that's when a lot of this self discovery happened for me…since I had the time to actually focus on myself for a change. I had gone to a therapist in nov/dec but had to stop after about 3-4 sessions because things had gotten worse with my son and I couldn't afford to keep going and I was missing time for work due to my son too so I had to stop the therapy. I know eventually I will go back again but with other things going on I just can't right now. It was helpful the few times I went. I think I got some of the basic tools and understanding on how to deal/accept my problem. I'm sure I will write more…lots of stuff built up inside.

    Thanks again for commenting….it's nice to know I'm not alone.


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