The Honest Truth….

I know it’s been 6 years since the attack, but I’m still reeling from the trauma. I wake up every morning thinking that I might be attacked again and I go to sleep every night hoping that I don’t ever experience fear like that again. I still remember the feeling afterwards.. the fear, the sadness, the anger, the shame. I still think about it from time to time, and I still feel guilty sometimes. I still feel like some parts were my fault.

I’m in therapy, but I still feel like I’m not addressing everything. I still don’t like the person I’ve become after the incident.

Whenever I see a male who looks even remotely close to you, I get scared. I freeze, I feel my heartbeat get faster, I get nauseous. I feel that I have to run away, or at least avoid them and change my path. My frantic brain tries to give myself a reason to feel okay, but I still feel sick and anxious.

I want to talk about it still.. I want to re-hash it and figure it out. I feel that I need closure. But every time I open my mouth to talk about it, my brain tells me to shut up. That nobody wants to hear about it. It’s too violent to talk about. I don’t want my family to think that I’m crazy and I don’t want to scare my family either. The words at the tip of my tongue, the words in my brain suddenly disappear and I change the subject. You’re not even here, so there’s no point to ask the questions I have. You’re the only one with the answers, but you are gone now. I’ve changed my number, blocked you on social media; so even if I wanted to ask you these questions, I wouldn’t be able to.
But my thoughts are still reeling… a movie of the violent events that night playing in my head. I see myself lying there, crying, while you stand over me, overpowering me, ignoring my pain.

In case you are reading this (I really hope you aren’t), here are my questions:

1) Why did you do it?
2) Were you planning this in advance?
3) Have you done this to other females? (I don’t think this is a relevant question, but I’m curious)
4) Did you not hear me crying and screaming while you were doing it?
5) If you did hear me, do you have no conscience? How could you continue doing what you did, despite hearing me cry in pain and fear?
6) Do you feel remorse after the fact? (I don’t think so, but I would be interested to know)
7) How the fuck do you think you can be a cop, after being a criminal?

After 6 years I still have not told my father about what happened, because I am scared of the way he would react. I know for a fact that he would want to hurt you, for doing this to me.. for being so violent and for making me cry. But then I feel that my father would also be mad at me.. mad that I hid this for such a long time.. mad that I didn’t seek out the help of the police. He would make me feel like it was my fault. I wouldn’t want him to make me feel bad about it.. I already made myself feel bad about it. But seriously… he would want to hurt you so bad. My father is super protective of me. But that night, he couldn’t protect me… he had no idea what was going on and if he found out, it would be really bad.

It hurts so much, to have to keep this secret from my father. Like… I feel like if I could tell him about it, then I could tell more people about it and be more open about it. But… since he doesn’t know, I can’t really tell other family members, for fear that they might tell him. It’s such a fucking burden to hold this secret so tight. It’s like.. I have the whole world on my shoulders. I want to just let it out and just feel free, but I feel that it would cause more problems.

I knew I should have went to the police.. I knew it, but I was so scared. You threatened me with a knife. I mean, I wanted to continue breathing. So I felt forced into saying that I wouldn’t go to the police. And now I regret that decision..

I hate you so much.. I hope you know that. I don’t hate people. Hate is a strong word.. But for you, I hate you.. I wish I never fuckin met you. You make me so damn angry. I hate to think about you and I hate to think of your face, which sometimes does appear in my head. I hate to think that I spent so much time with you ever. I hate to think that I ever knew you. I can’t stand you and I hope I never see you again.

The anger I have inside of me… is so intense. Some days I just want to punch something and scream at people… but then I feel so small.. like I’m vulnerable and weak.. like I can’t punch anything. I just feel so taken advantage of and like I’d be better if I just ran away. I’ve had feelings of self-harm for some time now.. like I just want to see scars on my wrists and I just want to feel physical pain to distract from the mental pain. But… know this.. I don’t want to die, I just want to get rid of the mental pain. I want a distraction. I need a distraction.

I need to talk to someone.. someone who understands this pain. Someone who understands this messed up, painful world I’m in. My world is shattered and I still don’t know how to recover from this awful hell. Some days I feel so good and then other days I feel like I’m on the brink of losing my mind.