I'm a compulsive writer sometimes, obviously. So i guess i need to write more, and i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I'm so hurting right now god i don't want to get high, but i want the pain to disappear and i know that i need to stay away from evil little guys until i at least have a year or two clean, i need to focus on me and i'm writing this time because i need to get it out so maybe i'll be this all because this time, unlike others , i want to stay clean, i want to do good because i'm not in this world alone. there are people everywhere i go and i can be ok with me even if i'm dead in the dumpster, but i don't think i want to die yet. and i know i'm different than a lot of people. i'm sick of people always trying to change me, they are powerless over me, like i am powerless over them i'm learning. i've been living in my little fantasy world and i swear everything lately has been so cloudy, but guess what, i'm seeing a big huge awful painting of myself inside my mind that i am not happy with, and instead of killing myself and hurting myself and digging my hole today, i want to stay clean and live good. i want to work on me and be the painting of myself that i know i can be. i'm sick , and i know it. and i want to get better. this is the very first time i've realized i need to do this. i need to stop all this bullshit and work on ME . i need to stop doing so much for people and trying to please them, in order to make myself happy. – it doesn't work!! it makes it worse. the drugs are gone man and i'm chillin with me and i'm my worst enemy even and everyone is catching on so quickly lately. ooh man i'm so scared of people, that's what's up. seriously. soo afraid of them judging me and hurting me. it hurts it hurts. i'm losing it LOL!!! I just wish people could accept me, like i accept them, i wish they could treat me like i treat them, ya know…i need to go to sleep now lol  i want the pain from tonight gone, the pain that i'm alone and lost. and i just want someone who completely understands me and loves me and that right now is my higher power . yep so i'm goin to go pray LOL peace!!!!  this has been a good little outlet by the way. i have 3 things, music, writing, and painting and i've pretty much did all three, but writing makes me feel a lot better. ok lol lata