I'm a compulsive writer sometimes, obviously. So i guess i need to write more, and i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I'm so hurting right now god i don't want to get high, but i want the pain to disappear and i know that i need to stay away from evil little guys until i at least have a year or two clean, i need to focus on me and i'm writing this time because i need to get it out so maybe i'll be this all because this time, unlike others , i want to stay clean, i want to do good because i'm not in this world alone. there are people everywhere i go and i can be ok with me even if i'm dead in the dumpster, but i don't think i want to die yet. and i know i'm different than a lot of people. i'm sick of people always trying to change me, they are powerless over me, like i am powerless over them i'm learning. i've been living in my little fantasy world and i swear everything lately has been so cloudy, but guess what, i'm seeing a big huge awful painting of myself inside my mind that i am not happy with, and instead of killing myself and hurting myself and digging my hole today, i want to stay clean and live good. i want to work on me and be the painting of myself that i know i can be. i'm sick , and i know it. and i want to get better. this is the very first time i've realized i need to do this. i need to stop all this bullshit and work on ME . i need to stop doing so much for people and trying to please them, in order to make myself happy. – it doesn't work!! it makes it worse. the drugs are gone man and i'm chillin with me and i'm my worst enemy even and everyone is catching on so quickly lately. ooh man i'm so scared of people, that's what's up. seriously. soo afraid of them judging me and hurting me. it hurts it hurts. i'm losing it LOL!!! I just wish people could accept me, like i accept them, i wish they could treat me like i treat them, ya know…i need to go to sleep now lol  i want the pain from tonight gone, the pain that i'm alone and lost. and i just want someone who completely understands me and loves me and that right now is my higher power . yep so i'm goin to go pray LOL peace!!!!  this has been a good little outlet by the way. i have 3 things, music, writing, and painting and i've pretty much did all three, but writing makes me feel a lot better. ok lol lata

  1. jeanne66 14 years ago

    If I said, "I feel your pain" that would sound so dumb–but you described my insides, I do know how you feel, and I am there with you, in spirit. Jeanne

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  2. daleOM 14 years ago

    I just want to say hi and let you know that I heard your pain. I could feel how lonely and frustrated you are. Thanks for your honesty… dont ever silence any of you. I just want to say that your creativity will help in the journey. Keep going and dont listen to your addiction. You have too much to give, your potential is amazing. Dont listen to the inner critics voice. Trust God clean house and help others. I have found over the time Ive been clean and sober that if I treat everything as if its on loan I can remain neautral and therefore make informed choices and if I allow things to come to me I am always amazed. God bless Dale

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