Last night I realized that my nephew has started hitting himself out of frustration. I recognized that might have long term effects on his self-esteem. I don't want such a cute little kid to end up like me. I expressed my concerns to his mother (my sister) who looked at me like I was stupid when I asked her to please stop popping my nephew on the hand or spanking him because he only hits himself when he gets in trouble. I'm with him 24/7 but she wouldn't even take any advice from me.

Instead she blabbed to my dad, saying who knows what to get my parents angry with me. Well it ended up being a three hour long "adult conversation" as my dad called it. Apparently to him an adult conversation means he yells at me for however long and I am not allowed to say anything or he'll threaten or even hit me (something I won't put past him since he threatened to kill me and hit me before with no sympathy). He yelled at me about the same stuff he yelled at me before then told me that what my sister does is none of my business, that other people's lives is none of my business. The hypocrite then went on to make his life my business. Saying that I need to do this and that to HELP HIM.

It's always about him. He made me sit down even though I wanted to stand. I said as much and he said he didn't care what I wanted. He said that what I say doesn't amount to anything. That I don't matter. He said I am a real huge disappointment. My mom said if I don't like how things are then to quit babysitting – which means leave and never show your face ever again for my parents. I'm not abandoning my nephew, but my sister whose concerns are only for herself (guys and money included), not her son, is probably going to lose him at the rate she is going.

I went to bed crying and hurting inside. That my simple suggestion to my sister had turned into a battering fest was so stupid. The fact that everyone is telling me to not worry about my nephew is even more stupid. No one is taking care of him the way they should, much less the girl (yes girl) who is supposed to be his mother.

I had a dream that was pretty long, but at the end there was a snake. I think I remember this part mostly because of the snake. I am terrified of them. There was a lot of commotion at this huge place. I think it might of been a farm. Well I kind of walked a few steps around this building to see if I could see what was going on. Well these guys were trying to capture a snake. It was a huge snake that slithered right past me. They cornered it in this area with a lot of junk in it. I was frozen to the spot because I had been so sure that snake was coming for me. I shouted for my friend to be careful. Well this big black (sorry African American – just trying to express the way it seemed and felt in my dream) guy comes walking back with the biggest rattlesnake I've ever seen. It's head was probably as big as or bigger than both my hands together not balled into fists. The guy was not holding his head to protect himself. Oh no. Instead the snake hissing at me as he walked back by. It started spitting venom at me. It's last lunge at me had my left hand and right arm covered in venom that stung my skin so badly it felt like it was burning. I was in shock in my dream. I ended up in a hospital. I overheard the guy from before saying to someone not to tell me that my frog had died. But it wasn't a frog. In my dream my friend was a hamster, but either way he had still died and left me with a crudely drawn map that I couldn't read becuase it was blurry. That's when I woke up with a headache.

I would reckon that snake represents my dad… It was a nightmare. As soon as I closed my eyes last night the awfullest images of scary unnamed creatures filled my head. I wish I couldn't dream at all. I wish I didn't know what a dream was if it is going to cause me as much pain as my real life.


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