i\'ve been somewhat confused lately(imagine that right?) i\'ve had some REALLY good moments as of late and most likely will today. but when it\'s just me here(oh, and my under the bed-ridden cat), i am left with my thoughts…and to be honest i really don\'t care for \'em half of the time. i\'m left to face all of these realities that are my life. all of these obstacles that i must overcome. there is so much i must do to accomplish what i set forth to do here in cali. there are so many things infact that i can\'t seem to focus on anything at once. thus my mind just spirals around thinking about everything at once until i start to lose it. i don\'t sleep much when i am here alone. for one i am afraid to sleep alot b/c of my nightmares/panic attacks/bs/fuck it. i can\'t seem to block these intrusive thoughts out of my head as hard as i try. Alana left her acoustic here and when i can force myself i\'ve been practicing some.(it\'s my first time ever trying…i\'m basically trying to teach myself from the abundance of info online). really, it\'s not turning out too bad. i\'m basically starting off slowly learning nothing else matters(metallica), it\'s not turning out too bad for teaching myself, just gonna be a slow process. i\'m also trying to learn some chords now and callis (*sp) my fingers. so that helps some.

however, for the most part i feel like i am stuck in quicksand. if i move around and try my best to get out, i only sink further. if i stay still, i don\'t sink, however i am stuck knowing that if i do move that i will sink(not a comforting feeling.)

on a positive note(i hope). i am most likely starting an anxiety/ocd group on wed.night. i\'m scared, but i\'m the one who wanted to do this, and who knows, maybe it\'ll bring me some hope.

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