It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm blogging. My husband accidentally woke me when he rolled over and smacked me in the stomach. I guess it's payback for all the years that I've been such a fighter in my sleep, lol.
I'm feeling a little better tonight. I think my therapy session with Darcy helped greatly, as I broke down and cried as soon as I sat down. The dam finally busted. She thinks that maybe what set me into a depressive phase was the health scare we had with my Mom a week ago. She believes that was the trigger.
We also talked about my Dad, whom I miss but he never calls or even texts me and that I've gotten to the point where I just want to let him go because I don't want to hurt about his lack of concern or apparent love for his only child and grandchild. I can't keep hurting about this ~ it's killing me slowly inside.
The lastthing we discussed was spirituality and the need to have like-minded souls to talk to and spend time with. I don't fit into any real "normal" denominations of religion, so I find myself constantly feeling the ache of not having spiritual support. Many people confuse the 2 things, religion and spirituality, but they are not the same. One is integral to the other really, but spirituality can and does exist outside religion. I want to find a place where I'm welcome and don't feel judged for my beliefs. I want to feel embraced by a community of people and be free to share my love for God in my way. I'm going to build up some resolve and go to a Unitarian church a little ways away and see if I like it. If I do I'm going to start bringing my son with me.
I feel better because my therapist told me I got a "free pass" today and that I had probably made the right decision not to go into work. She reminded me gently not to be so hard on myself and give myself some room to breathe and even to pat myself on the back sometimes for how far I've come and the things I'm doing to try to gain good mental health. I always neglect to do those things when I need it most.
Maybe this time of feeling better will only last for as long as I'm awake, or maybe I'll wake up with it still. That would be really nice. Today's Zach's last day of school and it would be nice to end the school year on a good note.
The one other thing that helped me tonight was talking to3 friends,2 chatting and the other on the phone. When I feel bad I draw inwards to trap all of the ugliness so that other people don't have to experience my emotions with me. I forgot that it's important to let yourself rely on friends to help you get through sometimes. So I want to say thank you to Diana, Jasper and Mindy for everything. I wishI could say how much you all have helped me.
And thank you too to all of my friends that have left messages of support on my wall or in messages. It means so much right now. Bless you all for your kindness.
That's all for now…going to try to go back to bed here at some point soon. Goodnight.