I have recently had to move back to the state I left hoping never to return to. I feel the overwhelming isolation and loneliness of not being able to fit in. I try to make the best of things…Participating in social groups…interacting with my housemates as much as I can…Taking my kids out as often as the cold weather allows. But being back in the place where all the abuse occurred, where the law cares more about me having left than that the abuse ever occurred in the first place…Being forced to interact with my abuser almost daily.
I thought that I had become stronger. That I could make a happy and safe life for myself and my children anywhere. But all I want to do is give up, sleep forever, and get away with doing the absolute minimum that I have to to survive day-to-day. As soon as I get the opportunity, I will leave! How can I be here where I can barely afford a room to live in and cannot even find full-time work. How can our family court system be so uncaring, so corrupt, so sexist?
Before I was forced to come back here I had gotten off all of my psych meds and my overall health was so improved. Now I find myself needing double my previous doses of antidepressants and all the symptoms of my other disorder have not only returned, but they are almost worse than before. But this isn’t supposed to be about me, my health and happiness are of no consequence to anyone outside of myself.
I have not seriously thought about ending my life since I was a teenager, but I find myself contemplating it a lot lately. Then hearing about the New York mother who burned herself after losing custody of her kids in the new today…If I have to stay here, if I cannot keep me and my kids safe, what is there for me?